Have you noticed a shift in your teens' day-to-day routine and mood? Getting them out the door for school may feel like the same battle each morning as they tearfully beg you to let them stay home again. You may have noticed your teen is increasingly holed up in their room uninterested in hanging out with friends or more reluctant than usual to join the family. Or maybe you’ve heard your frustrated teen complain about being unable to get to sleep, furthering the challenge of getting them moving in the morning. These behaviors may be signs of underlying anxiety that leave you feeling helpless and desperate for solutions to help get your child feeling like themselves again. If so, here are a few tools for supporting your teen through anxiety…
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Throughout my time in this field, more specifically through my work with teens over the years, I have come to notice the most cyclical struggle that continues to emerge as time goes on is lack of confidence. I tend to see a lot of over-caring what people think in conjunction with wanting to impress others. That being said, I thought I’d take this time to first share what I think are contributing factors to this (sometimes lifelong) dilemma, as well as some tips and tricks on what I feel have been most useful in getting teens out of that funk.
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Is there someone in your life who saw you and could show you the gem that you inherently hold? This is one of the basic needs we experience as human beings. It's natural and normal to want to be surrounded by people who can hold us in a safe and compassionate space. It's deeply imperative for our self development as we continually learn through observing the folks around us (i.e. our parents, grandparents, friends, neighbors, etc). They show us their views and values, what's “acceptable'' or not and how they treat others and how they accept treatment. We begin to interpret this as our truths and frame our way of seeing the world.
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Self-harm is a scary and uncomfortable topic that is often kept hidden and seen as a shameful secret or as a dramatic attention seeking behavior. However, the more this issue is kept hidden and seen as shameful the longer it is able to persist and go untreated.
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The parents I’ve worked with over the years care deeply about setting a good example for their teens, guiding them, and showing them love. This may be a part of why there can be a sense of shame around “getting it wrong” with their kids. Society and parents themselves can set almost impossible standards at times for what constitutes “good parenting”. This can make human error, challenges, and unexpected outcomes feel scary. We feel so much empathy for teens when they make mistakes or face challenges but don’t always give parents the same grace.
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As a therapist, I often hear parents express that their teen is not as happy as they used to be. I repeatedly hear “they are just being a hormonal teenager.” Hormones definitely do play a part when it comes to teenagers' moods. However, being a teen can be really tough at times and several different circumstances can impact their happiness. Studies show that it is very important for teens to experience happiness for their future well-being as adults.
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It's a lot of pressure for you young people, which can cause a lot of anxiety; anxiety you don't even know is there until it's too late and it's become overwhelming. It can creep around under the surface 24/7 making it seem natural – but it's not! We have a birthright to feel secure and safe, and to be able to rest and digest.
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As a therapist, I am frequently asked by parents if what their teen is going through is normal or if they should be concerned. To be fair, coming to therapy for typical teenage changes is common and very helpful even if it is in the realm of normal. The safe space of the therapy office gives adolescents room to sort through their thoughts and feelings in a way that is not replicable with parents or friends. Having said that, there are times when concerns arise and it is important to have parents more involved. Typically what we look at is danger and impairment. The following major areas come to mind that we will look at more in depth: suicide and self harm, substance use and behavioral issues.
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Let’s be honest, navigating life as a teenager isn’t easy. Trying to figure out what makes you unique, while also finding a community you feel you belong to, is a heavy burden most of us face at some point in our lives. Our society mirrors and is modeled after the concept of human “doers''. If you’re wondering what that means, well let me try to break that down for you.
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Have you ever had a close friendship that ended? Sometimes it’s sparked by a huge falling out, other times it’s a slow, gradual distancing. Still, other times, it’s a sudden ghosting, and one friend is left confused and in the dark about what happened.
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Teens are constantly comparing themselves to unrealistic expectations of beauty. They have images of flawless people that are portrayed everywhere they look in social media, TV, movies, and magazines. They don’t think about the fact that the majority of these “flawless people” people have gone through plastic surgery and have their photos airbrushed and photo-shopped in order for them to appear so perfect. Instead, teens are asking themselves questions like “Why do I not look perfect like them?” and “What can I do to look just as beautiful?” They might even start assuming, “I’m so ugly and disgusting! Why can’t I be pretty too?” These comparisons and high expectations can lead teens to believe that making changes in their lives like dieting or skipping meals or buying every beauty product imaginable can lead them closer to looking like the beautiful, thin, seemingly perfect, rich and famous people being portrayed to them every day.
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I am in awe of the imagination. It helps us cope with everyday stressors as we imagine our next European trip or crushing it on our imaginary audition on The Voice. Imagination is also the key to success because it can unlock our creative side. Imagination helps us solve problems, gives hope, and, best of all, we can create entire worlds within ourselves. Look at some of the most famous, successful people in history—Walt Disney, Stan Lee, Steve Jobs, JK Rowling, etc. Without their sense of wonder and creativity hard at work, our world would be a darker place! Yet in my work with kids, teens and their families, I’ve been noticing an ever growing trend--the lack of imagination.
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“My kid is running me to the ground”… “I can’t go two days without the school calling me about her behavior!”… “I am at my wits end…” “I’ve tried everything—punishments, rewards, time-outs, ignoring, everything! Nothing works. He’s out of control!”
These are statements I often hear from parents who call seeking therapy for their child.
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