Ghosting and the HSP

Have you ever gone on a handful of dates with someone, hopeful that the budding relationship would blossom, only to find that weeks later, none of your messages or calls to them are answered? Or has a friend at school suddenly cut off all communication with no explanation, and is now avoiding you in the community? Maybe you have felt such intense disconnection from someone that you can no longer maintain a relationship—yet the thought of reaching out to explain this to them fills you with so much dread that you’re considering just deleting their contact info and sweeping it all under the rug?

These are just a few examples of an increasingly common phenomenon. One succinct definition of ghosting is “one cutting off all communication with another, leaving no explanation, no closure,” inflicting “considerable emotional distress, leaving the ghosted party grappling with feelings of rejection and abandonment.” For all people, but especially those highly sensitive among us, ghosting can clearly be very painful. 

A number of different factors can lead to this vilified yet ubiquitous social behavior. Ghosting is often a manifestation of an unaddressed avoidant attachment style, emotional immaturity, fear of conflict, or, ironically, a personality trait like people pleasing. Sometimes it’s the result of low empathy, or a misguided attempt to punish someone for an apparent misdeed. On some serious occasions, ghosting is a necessity when the ghoster themselves is in real danger from the ghostee. More often, it is the result of discomfort around communicating a lack of chemistry with someone—which is actually a natural, okay thing to experience; we can’t be soulmates with everyone we meet, right?

In the conversation around ghosting, a large part of the blame is placed on technology like dating apps, social media, and the relative anonymity of the internet. While these features of contemporary life certainly make ghosting easier to do than, say, 30 years ago, these are just the delivery mechanisms. It’s important to consider that these tools are being utilized in a larger social environment where loneliness, atomization and powerlessness are normalized.

So, while the causes are easy enough to grasp for most of us, the question still stands: What can I do if I, a highly sensitive person, am on the receiving end of a ghosting? 

First, it’s important to acknowledge and express your feelings. The hurt, confusion and loneliness you’re experiencing are not fair, but they are wholly human emotions that intersect with all our lives. You are not alone in this.

Remain connected to the friends and loved ones you know care and have your best interests at heart. It’s important not to double down on your isolation, as long as you have the bandwidth. And engage in solo activities you find soothing or promote agency in your life.

If you’re already in therapy, bring the situation into a session. Your therapist may take a CBT-oriented approach by assisting you in challenging the automatic negative thoughts that result from the ghosting, or to accept reasonable alternative explanations for why this happened—for example, instead of internalizing the event as evidence of being unlikeable or destined for loneliness, it may be equally likely that you were dealing with an emotionally immature or unavailable person, or that a simple miscommunication has occurred. 

Other ways you and your therapist may incorporate the experience into your treatment may be through an examination of your lifelong narratives of the self; a journey from a deeply impactful loss toward healing; an opportunity to explore your own attachment style and the childhood wounds informing patterns in your present life. And if anxiety, OCD, or other symptoms already affect you, an event like this may become just a small part of your ongoing behavioral and emotional work; it’s possible you have already been acquiring tools throughout therapy that you can employ now!

Now, let’s say you find yourself tempted to ghost someone else—as a highly sensitive person, you may already have struggled with overwhelm in close relationships or confusion over how to communicate effectively. Consider the role of safety, first and foremost. If you are in the orbit of a seriously manipulative or dangerous individual, a fast and drastic measure such as this may be necessary.

Barring threats to your physical and emotional safety, it may be valuable to check in with yourself. Journal about your values. Reflect on your worldview or your ethical standards. You are more likely to feel comfortable with  your decision in the long run if you act in accordance with your vision for how yourself or others should be treated.

Reframe a difficult conversation as a way to practice moving through difficult emotions and toward resolution, instead of repeating a habit of avoidance. Not only might ghosting be unfair and painful to someone else, but you could also be postponing your own growth.

If it feels like ghosting is an all-to-normal facet of life, remember that an intense emotional response to it is also normal. Keep in touch with your values, your support system, and the healthy coping skills you already possess. And know that we are always here to help in your healing journey.

Warmly,

Joe Boyle, APCC #10514

Supervised by Danielle Kardum, LMFT #114847

he/him