Coming Out Later in Life: Therapy Support for LGBTQIA+ Identity Exploration in Adulthood

It’s often assumed that figuring out your sexuality or gender identity is something that happens in your teens, maybe your early 20’s. Those are the prime years for exploration, for dating, for discovering yourself as an autonomous being and emerging into the adult world. At the very least, aren’t you supposed to “just know”, even if you don’t tell anyone else? As a therapist who specializes in LGBTQIA+ affirmative therapy, I can assure that this is not always the case. Better yet, I can assure you that there’s no such thing as “too late” when it comes to living authentically.

Why it sometimes happens later

There are innumerable reasons why coming out may not happen until mid or even late adulthood for some people. Someone might decide to stay closeted - they may know or have at least a sense or inkling about their non-straight or non-cisgender identity but choose not to divulge this to others. Reasons to keep this private may vary from:

• Fear of rejection from family and loved ones

• Pressures from religious or cultural norms that deem members of the LGBTQIA+ community as wrong or sinful

• Safety concerns amidst societally normalized homophobia and transphobia

• Feeling like the benefits of staying in the closet outweigh the risks and challenges of coming out

In other cases, someone may grow up genuinely unaware of their sexuality or gender identity or even experience shifts and changes over the course of a lifespan! Either of these situations could be due to circumstances such as:

• Compulsive heterosexuality - the assumption of straightness (or being cisgender) as a sort of “default setting” that requires no further examination or questioning

• Lack of inclusive education, accurate representation, or language to describe one’s experience

• Identity imposter syndrome, such as feeling “not gay enough” which can be a common sentiment among bisexual or pansexual people, or “not trans enough” for non-binary or genderfluid experiences (though honestly, identity imposter syndrome can crop up for all sorts of reasons regardless of one’s actual identity)

Common emotional (and logistical) challenges of coming out as an older adult

Emotional highs and lows

While the coming out process can incite great feelings of relief and empowerment, for those who take this step in their later adulthood, it can bring about a lot of grief. Many people grapple with thoughts like “why did I wait so long?” or “I’ve lost so much time”. The process can be emotionally turbulent, leading to ups and downs in confidence and comfort level, and even moments of wondering “is this worth it?”. While only you can answer that question for yourself, it’s helpful to keep in mind that discomfort is a key precedent of growth. Try to be patient, to be kind to yourself, and take the process as slowly as you need to.

Family disruption

With more age and experience come more established relationships, and coming out will likely involve some pretty difficult conversations and transitions. For those who are married or partnered, coming out may lead to a radical reconceptualizing of your relationship or even divorce or separation. Don’t be afraid to explore professional legal or financial support if needed. Prepare to hold space for others’ surprise, grief, and even feelings of anger and betrayal. Just remember - living authentically invites honest connection and intimacy. You deserve to be known, seen, and loved as the real you.

Social anxiety and pressure

You’re about to enter a whole new world! It’s normal to feel out of place in a new community or feel uncertain about where to start. You may feel “late to the game”, unfamiliar to all the cultural references and social nuances. You may feel awkward experimenting with new fashion choices or hairstyles in an effort to feel seen and express your newfound (or newly disclosed) sexuality and/or gender. 

But hey, there’s no one way to be visibly LGBT - you don’t have to change anything at all if you don’t want to. And if you do want to, have fun with it! Additionally, channeling that “missed out” feeling into trying something new. Maybe you attend a screening of a cult classic LGBTQ film, or find tickets to a show that emerging new out queer pop artist. 

Therapy Can Help

Having a supportive and non-judgmental space to process all that comes with this daunting and amazing process can be vital. At Thrive, our therapists are culturally informed and LGBTQIA+ affirming - we’ll walk alongside you in taking each step at your own pace and readiness. We know that there is no singular or “right” way to navigate this process. We’re here for all of it - the messy and raw parts included.

For many, our belonging to the queer community feels key to who we are or even inherent. However, I often find it helpful to shift away from the question away from “who am I” and toward “how would I live most happily”. The “how” holds so much beauty, and there is so much waiting to welcome you.

Warmly,

Leigh Johnson, LMFT #146804