Denial: Taking Off Our Blinders

Our emotions are kind of like our friends and relatives, not all of them are welcome at our house! We may feel close and welcoming toward our Aunt Joy, but cold and distant toward Uncle Anger – “I barely know him, and…he's KINDA weird!” Unlike our friends and relatives, we don't get to choose if our emotions are part of our lives – they're here to stay, whether we like it or not. When emotions are unwelcome or unfamiliar, we may use defense mechanisms to deal with them. One such defense mechanism is denial. When we use denial to keep certain emotions at a distance, it can have unintended consequences – we may experience repeated feelings of being “stuck”, numb, confused, or even anxious about certain things and we just don't know why. By learning how to recognize and work with denial, we can become more comfortable with distant emotions and increase our awareness, agency, and  self-assuredness. 

How Do We Recognize Denial?

Firstly, defense mechanisms are nothing to be ashamed of – we all use them, often without realizing it. They can even be helpful, especially when we’re in a tough situation with limited options as is the case in many childhoods. So we don't need to worry about getting rid of defense mechanisms, but becoming more familiar with them can be helpful. That said, denial is sort of like having blinders on, but you don't know you're wearing them. When distant emotions arise, our blinders go up to keep them out of our awareness. 

Let's imagine anger is a distant emotion because in childhood, expressing anger was frowned upon in our family. When we use denial to deal with anger, it might feel very foreign to us. We may say to ourselves, “I'm just not an angry person”. We may find ourselves being passive aggressive at times, perhaps making a comment we believe to be benign, but the other person seems hurt or put off, and we don't understand why. We may also feel repeatedly taken by surprise in our relationships, saying to ourselves, “I just didn't see it coming. Why did this happen?” Denial can also elicit repeated feelings of stuckness, or deja vu, “Why can't I get over this hurdle?”

What do we do?

First, practice non-judgment. Denial often happens when we also have a harsh inner critic. The critic says, “Anger is scary, mean, and destructive!” Acknowledge that anger may seem this way at times, but it can also help us advocate for ourselves and others. Try to pause before judging anger, and see what it's trying to tell you. 

Second, lean into complexity. Denial may be a sign that we tend to oversimplify things. Life, and all the people in it are like prisms with many different facets. If we were to stand on opposite sides of a painting from someone and describe to each other what we see, one of us would see the painting and the other would see a plain canvas or frame. We're both looking at the same object, but we have totally different perspectives, neither of which are wrong. Challenge yourself to take different perspectives on things, remembering that each perspective helps us to gain a fuller, richer understanding. 

Try to see the benefits of uncertainty. Denial may be a sign that we struggle with loose ends and unanswered questions. While the unknown can be scary, it can also be exciting and hopeful. Creativity and change can come from uncertainty. When we practice accepting uncertainty, we may find that we begin to imagine new possibilities, allowing us to make new choices and grow. When you feel the urge to say “That’s the way it is”, try adding “maybe” to the end of that sentence.  

As you practice these suggestions, you may find you need denial less and less. As you begin to see yourself and others as more complex, you may find yourself feeling more secure in your relationships and more tolerant of uncertainty. Distant emotions may begin to feel more comfortable and manageable and, if denial does arise, you notice it more quickly. If you would like some support learning about and navigating your emotions and defense mechanisms, please reach out. 

Warmly,

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT#129032

Therapist, Program Manager, Supervisor

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