Is there someone in your life who saw you and could show you the gem that you inherently hold? This is one of the basic needs we experience as human beings. It's natural and normal to want to be surrounded by people who can hold us in a safe and compassionate space. It's deeply imperative for our self development as we continually learn through observing the folks around us (i.e. our parents, grandparents, friends, neighbors, etc). They show us their views and values, what's “acceptable'' or not and how they treat others and how they accept treatment. We begin to interpret this as our truths and frame our way of seeing the world.
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Self-harm is a scary and uncomfortable topic that is often kept hidden and seen as a shameful secret or as a dramatic attention seeking behavior. However, the more this issue is kept hidden and seen as shameful the longer it is able to persist and go untreated.
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The parents I’ve worked with over the years care deeply about setting a good example for their teens, guiding them, and showing them love. This may be a part of why there can be a sense of shame around “getting it wrong” with their kids. Society and parents themselves can set almost impossible standards at times for what constitutes “good parenting”. This can make human error, challenges, and unexpected outcomes feel scary. We feel so much empathy for teens when they make mistakes or face challenges but don’t always give parents the same grace.
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For any teen, struggling with depression can be overwhelming, and figuring out how to talk to people about it can be daunting. It’s common for anyone struggling with depression to avoid talking to their support system because they are worried about loved ones either overreacting, or being dismissive.
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Teens are constantly comparing themselves to unrealistic expectations of beauty. They have images of flawless people that are portrayed everywhere they look in social media, TV, movies, and magazines. They don’t think about the fact that the majority of these “flawless people” people have gone through plastic surgery and have their photos airbrushed and photo-shopped in order for them to appear so perfect. Instead, teens are asking themselves questions like “Why do I not look perfect like them?” and “What can I do to look just as beautiful?” They might even start assuming, “I’m so ugly and disgusting! Why can’t I be pretty too?” These comparisons and high expectations can lead teens to believe that making changes in their lives like dieting or skipping meals or buying every beauty product imaginable can lead them closer to looking like the beautiful, thin, seemingly perfect, rich and famous people being portrayed to them every day.
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I see it in my office a lot—a low frustration tolerance in teens when they fail. Failing is tough for all of us! That’s why it is so important now for your child to learn how to cope when frustrating moments happen.
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Lately, in my personal and professional life, I have noticed a common theme. What I have noticed is how hard it can be to make the transition from having a child in the home to having one out of the home. I wanted to create a guide to assist “empty nesters” with living a full life after their child has moved out. If you have been able to raise an independent child, that is a sign that you have found some success as a parent! Unfortunately, after celebrating this milestone many parents are left wondering what to do without kids around.
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With Summer moving swiftly towards a new school year, many parents are faced with the inevitability of their child leaving home and taking another step towards independence and adulthood . Some may be going to college locally or far away, some may be moving out with friends, working more hours, or traveling. Whatever life changes your family is experiencing during this time, there is a shift that will begin to happen for families during this period that is important to acknowledge. For the past eighteen or so years, a parent's focus has been on attending to the needs of the family, their children, and themselves. In the next month or two, a very distinct shift occurs for many families when a young adult leaves home. For those of you not in this boat yet, remember that days are long and years are short, and this moment will be upon you soon enough!
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For this article I will focus on a topic that for many parents can be exciting, turbulent, and sometimes sad and conflicting. While we know that the goal of raising children is to prepare them for adulthood, this transition can feel like a mixed bag at times. Even if your child is living at home after graduation, there is often a shift in tone, routine, and expectations that can be stressful for all involved.
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Teens are notorious for testing boundaries and questioning everything their parents tell them. Gone are the days when a little reverse psychology or the old “Guess you aren’t big enough yet...” routine could get them to eat their greens or brush their teeth. Now, they are moody, irritable, nap during the day, and have little interest in getting tasks done on our timeline. My goal for this post is to highlight some possible causes for oppositional behaviors in teens, as well as some ways to approach their defiance differently.
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“You just don’t get it, Mom!” I definitely said that hundreds of times during my own adolescence in a variety of moods, facial expressions, and tones of voice. I often felt misunderstood and sometimes sought out arguments with my parents to prove it to myself. My friends and I would vent about how our parents could never know what we were going through, considering how much ‘older’ they were! I laugh at that now after having my own children and realizing how much more complicated parenthood is than I ever thought when I was a teen.
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Do you notice that your teen goes through these times when it seems like their entire body has been overtaken by emotion? Almost as if they’ve been consumed by a strange creature, and you’re not sure what’s going to be left when it’s all said and done?? You see a full-on Hulk standing in your living room where your once-lovely child was.
Yep, most teens go through times of HUGE emotions, and most parents of teens have been there, seen that! Due to the physiological processes occurring in teens as their brains grow and develop and as their hormones and body chemistry changes, feeling really big feelings is something most teens experience from time to time. And, it ain’t pretty. Not for teens and not for those who love them. Often, parents can feel like, “Wait, seriously? Seriously? We’re doing this AGAIN?”
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So, one of the best things we can do for our teens is to help them learn to be kind to themselves. Such kindness can be referred to as self-compassion, and there’s now a chunk of research that shows that self-compassion is really effective in helping people feel better and be happier. In fact, it’s argued that self-compassion is even more helpful than self-esteem, which requires us to rate ourselves and our abilities. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is the recognition that we all deserve kindness and caring just because we’re alive. It’s not earned; it’s a basic right.
Where do we start?
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“This is stupid! I’m done!” shouts your 11 year old as he stomps past you. You watch the severe scowl of irritation on his face and his I’m so totally done with homework tonight vibe with some bewilderment. You wonder why he gave up so quickly or what was so challenging about the work. The reoccurring theme for your kiddo is his impatience and unwillingness to put in the extra effort. I see it in my office a lot—a low frustration tolerance in tweens when they fail. Failing is tough for all of us! That’s why is it so important now for your child to learn how to cope when frustrating moments happen in life.
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Boredom for many parents is a scary word. Whenever I mention it to the families I work with I get a physical reaction of wide eyes and nervous, terrified giggles or full-on snorts of disbelief. Anxiety creeps over their faces ,and they shake their heads at me and mumble ‘no way’ or ‘that won’t last long…’ I get it. Kids in an instant gratification age/era is tough! It can almost feel impossible. But I’m here to tell you--it’s a crucial ingredient to growing up.
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