5 Tips on Building Frustration Tolerance in Your Teen
Ivy Griffin
“Arghhh, I hate math! I’m done!” shouts your 14 year old as they slam their book shut and jumps up from the kitchen table, almost knocking over the chair with him. You watch the scowl of irritation on their face and their I’m so done with homework tonight vibe with some bewilderment. You wonder why they gave up so quickly or what was so challenging about the work. The recurring theme for your teen is their impatience and unwillingness to put in the extra effort.
I see it in my office a lot—a low frustration tolerance in teens when they fail. Failing is tough for all of us! That’s why it is so important now for your child to learn how to cope when frustrating moments happen.
Here are my tips on how to build your teen’s frustration tolerance up!
Let them struggle: That’s right, I said it. Let them struggle! The natural parental instinct is to help your kid, especially when they begin to get frustrated. But guess what? It’s time that your teen learns what it feels like to sit with their frustrations. You don’t have to rescue them. They have to experience this frustration. So stand back—and let go. Count to 10 if you need a moment to help cope with your feelings about this. ;)
Model Your Coping Skills: We adults experience frustration every day, so how do you handle it? If you have a meltdown when you’re frustrated, your teen has probably picked up on it. (They really do absorb what we do, even if it seems like they’re not paying attention to us.) Or maybe you verbalize your feelings and express what you need by saying something like, “I am so frustrated right now; I need a break.” Or, “I’m feeling super stressed out, I’m going for a walk.” Guess what? Your teen will pick up on this too! If you can step up and model good coping skills around your frustration, they’ll see that they can do this too.
Positive Reframing: With behavior there is always an underlying message. So, what is your teen really saying when they shout, “I hate math! I’m done!”? Maybe they’re tired of failing and getting hurt. Emotionally translate their first statement into: “I am so frustrated with my homework, and I feel stupid by failing over and over.” Yikes, now it’s much easier to empathize—don’t we all hate feeling stupid? So, focus on responding to their underlying emotions with understanding, patience, and a positive mindset. Failure can be an opportunity to learn how to pick ourselves back up again.
Identify Feelings! It is as simple as it sounds. Help your teen label their frustration and name it out loud. Let them vent about their ‘stupid homework’ and express their feelings around it. Maybe even help them by reflecting their feelings back by saying, “I can see and feel how frustrated you are. This homework sounds tough!” Identifying emotions is a helpful way of taming them when we feel out of control or under stress.
Breaks are a necessity: Allow for breaks, especially if emotions are running high. If need be, let your teen leave the homework for 10-15 minutes, and come back after listening to some music, watching a YouTube video, taking the dog for a walk, etc. You might even offer or bring over something to drink or a healthy snack. Then, once break time is over, support your teen in getting back in there.
Even with these coping skills, there must be boundaries, such as time limits and always coming back to finish as much of the homework as possible. As your teen builds up their frustration tolerance, remember—yours will be building too! Practice doesn’t make perfect, but it does make better.
Warmly,
Ivy Griffin, LMFT # 51714, Director
she/hers
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/teens
hello@thrivetherapyandcounseling.com
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