Nurturing Healthy Self Esteem in Teens

You’ve been thinking about the media your teen is exposed to every day and you worry about their self-esteem. No matter how much you try to teach them healthy body image and self-acceptance, critical and unhealthy messages are everywhere. You can’t monitor them every moment of the day, so how do you give them enough of what they need to help them navigate all the toxic messaging in the world? Read on to learn about two pillars of healthy self-esteem along with examples of how you can incorporate them into your teen’s life. 

Focus on Values Instead of Value

While it makes sense to counter devaluing, dehumanizing messages with, “You’re worth it! You’re valuable!” over-emphasis on what we’re worth tends to send our focus outward, seeking external validation. While this is natural and healthy to an extent, if this is the only place we look to find value, it can lead to wild fluctuations in self-esteem. Instead, help your teen explore their values. You can ask them what they think about situations at school, with friends, or in the news cycle and ask them what their values are related to those issues. Share your own values as an example and ask them theirs, stressing that they don’t need to have things figured out and that our values can change over time. Focusing on what we value can give us a sense of meaning and direction, even when our external environment doesn’t recognize our value. 

Flexibility 

In the age of social media, we’ve all seen the harsh criticism people can face for saying something awkward or insensitive, or past behavior that was hurtful or embarrassing. While addressing harmful behavior is absolutely necessary, an environment of constant harsh criticism can also prevent meaningful change and healing. Teaching teens that we are multifaceted and always growing, can imbue them with self-esteem that is flexible and resilient instead of rigid and brittle. Try using “both/and” language when discussing feelings and relationships.

“It’s ok to feel both angry at someone and scared to lose them.”

“It’s acceptable to enjoy watching movies with one friend, but prefer deep talks with another.”

“It’s alright to be both strong and vulnerable.”

Focusing on the dynamic, often contradictory facets of who we are keeps us from ever being wholly defined by just one thing. 

Finally, modeling self-compassion for teens is invaluable. Taking accountability without beating up on yourself and sharing your own growth and complexity openly shows teens that it’s acceptable and possible for them (and others) to do the same. It helps nurture self-esteem that is based on shared humanity, not being the best, belonging to the “right” group, or having all the answers. If you would like support exploring and building your own self-esteem so that you can support yourself and your loved ones, please reach out.

Warmly,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032

Therapist, Program Manager, Supervisor

she/her