The Unconventional Guide to Better Boundaries
Joe Boyle
Why what you’ve been told about boundaries is backwards
One of the common myths about boundaries that I've confronted in my work with clients is that boundaries pertain to other people. Often, I have encountered people misinterpreting boundaries to essentially mean rules for other people's behavior. "You asked an uncomfortable question, so I'm going to shut down the conversation and cite a boundary as the reason," or "I blocked my former friend on text and social media because they kept making insensitive remarks." Maybe you’ve heard people say similar things in your own life. And to be clear, shutting down a conversation, or blocking or ghosting someone, is within your rights as a human being. But let's be clear: this isn't boundary setting. It’s withdrawal.
It's also a common misconception that setting and maintaining boundaries is a selfish thing to do, or that boundaries can't exist in friendships or intimate relationships. These ideas may come from personal or cultural or familial values related to selflessness or self sacrifice. But what they do all too often is open us up to manipulation or self-abandonment.
What boundaries actually are
Let's talk about something that boundaries are not: walls. Walls are dense and blunt. When confronted with a wall, we really only have a couple of choices; either turn away or break through with an act of aggression. And for the person within the walls, they are meant to keep unwanted people or sensations out, and to contain, keep permanent, what is within.
Boundaries however, are made of metaphorical and emotional masonry. They can be crossed in both directions, and should require consent in order to do so. Boundaries don't keep the rest of the outside world at bay, with its equal measures of pain and joy and puzzlement. And neither do boundaries hold us in stasis.
Unlike walls, boundaries breathe, expand, and contract over time and allow for the possibility of deep and meaningful change. There are basically three types of boundaries, and one helpful way to think about them is as commitments.
Physical boundaries are most noticeable because, well, they are fairly concrete. For example, a person may commit to only hang out with friends in sober spaces because they are in a critical and early stage of recovery, or because a close friend or loved one suffers from addiction.
Then, there are emotional boundaries. These are less place-based than physical boundaries and are contained more often in words or nonverbal expressions of emotion. An emotional boundary could be a commitment to oneself to say "no" to a request if it takes an unreasonable toll on your time, or transgresses on a value of yours.
A less commonly understood type of boundary is an energetic boundary. Think of these as invisible parameters surrounding your mind and body, like an aura. They are used to ensure that your physical and emotional battery is not depleted unnecessarily. An example of this may be committing to take a day or two off of social media or the news so that we are not overly drained by events we cannot directly confront.
The real reason you can’t hold a boundary
If you find it difficult to hold boundaries, your nervous system may be at the center of it. A "fawning" response, or a habit of people-pleasing is often the result of a history of prolonged stress or chronic trauma in the family unit or social settings. Sometimes when we experience large quantities of stress, we learn flawed lessons about survival, such as responding to moments of hardship by bending over backwards for others and neglecting our own well-being.
For many of us, childhood was a precarious time. During this stage of our lives, most of us don't have a sense of control or power. Many requests are made of us, and we usually don't have the faculties developed to effectively make requests of others. And because none of us are perfect, sometimes we fail.
That's when the guilt loop takes effect.
We are made to feel, or perceive ourselves to be a failure, then we avoid situations or criticize ourselves intensely, then feel bad about our own response, and feel guilty again. Habits, including getting stuck in this kind of loop, is what often leads to ineffective boundary setting later in our lives.
Signs you struggle with boundaries:
If you struggle to set or hold boundaries, you may notice some of the following in your own life:
frequent exhaustion or feeling overwhelmed
pervasive need to avoid or check out, sometimes embodied by excessive substance use
sudden withdrawal from social relationships or events
frequent doom scrolling
poor self-esteem
long-term struggles with depression or anxiety
feelings of disempowerment, or even resentment of others
hopelessness or resignation
The Unconventional Framework: Start with yourself, not others
Step one: Identify your non-negotiables. These flow from your values. Take an inventory of situations, settings, or behaviors that you can commit to protect yourself from.
Step two: Notice your body signals before the breach. This means getting in touch with signs of physiological stress or discomfort. Muscle tension or a sudden rise and body temperature may be your bodily systems informing you that you're being confronted with this situation that is physically or emotionally unsafe.
Step three: Name the need, not the person. This is where those stereotypically therapist-y "I – statements" come in handy. Before identifying your noisy sibling, roommate or neighbor as the problem, take ownership of your own legitimate need: "I need a good night's rest so that I can be my best version of myself at school or work tomorrow."
Step four: Communicate the limit, not the ultimatum. Instead of "if you don't turn off that music, I'm moving out!" Try "I really need my rest, so can you please stick to the quiet hours schedule we agreed on when we became roommates?"
Scripts that actually work (without sounding rehearsed)
With family members, friends, and romantic partners: "When you make jokes like that, I feel disrespected. Can you please tone that down when I'm around?" "I want to spend time together, but I haven't seen my friend in a really long time. Can we Netflix and chill tomorrow?"
With colleagues and managers: "I really value the work I do here, so from 3 to 4 PM, unless it's an emergency, I'd like to keep distractions at a minimum. I'll post a sign on my door or block this off in my Google calendar, so everyone's on the same page."
With yourself (internal boundaries): "I told myself I wasn't going to put up with his behavior. So after last time, I think I'm just going to skip this party."
What happens when people push back
If enforcing your boundary causes friction with someone else, remember, the boundary hasn't failed. It's provided you with useful information about how this particular boundary works with other people or about how this particular other person handles challenges to their behavior or habits. It's important to hold the line if this boundary is worth it, and this can be done without escalating. Try repeating or rewording your boundary verbally to make sure there's no confusion, or to give the other person a "take two". Remember, boundaries are lines, not behaviors to perform on other people.
Sometimes we may feel that renegotiating our boundaries is warranted. This could happen when pushback shows us that there are aspects of our boundary that we didn't think through entirely before it was applied. Boundaries are a lot easier to adjust than walls. On the other hand, often our boundaries are sound. And if another person consistently pushes back or violates them, we may have no choice, but to walk away. This doesn't have to be forever, but the other person needs to understand that there are consequences for their actions.
You may find as you set and enforce boundaries more effectively, that old or existing relationships can't keep pace with your growth. Let's be real, this can be a distressing thing. It's completely normal to have grief if a relationship with a serial boundary–crosser falls apart. They may not be a bad person, but that doesn't mean you deserve to absorb their abuse or recklessness. So take time and be kind to yourself in situations like this. Feelings of grief will resolve overtime if we commit to meeting our basic needs in the aftermath of some kind of breakup.
Advanced boundaries: the stuff no one talks about
It's commonly said that we live in an attention economy, where time and impact in the digital realm are just as important as money. Even if you don't think of your life in these terms, it's fair to consider what boundaries you draw around Internet use. Social media and current events are often important to keep up with to a healthy extent, but we can easily OD on them if we don't regulate our engagement with them, responsibly, resulting in feelings of helplessness and emptiness.
Also important to regulate is your own internal critic. Developing awareness of how regularly they "come out to play" is the precondition for setting limits on their influence. Remind yourself "I've already criticized myself three times today, so let me refocus on a different activity or balance out the equation with an affirmation."
It's critical to remember that boundaries are an act of love, not rejection. You’re giving yourself space, not eliminating all opposition. The only actual rejection you could face is by others who can't stomach your own self advocacy. Again, there is room for grief in situations like this, but it is important to remember that even while grieving, we can be empowered.
Maintaining boundaries long-term (why they erode and how to rebuild them)
Maybe you've done the important emotional work of reflecting on your values, committing to boundaries, and even enforcing them a few times. It may have been painful, it may have been empowering, but either way you're feeling good about yourself. Now is the time to pat yourself on the back!
In the long run, though, we also have to acknowledge that boundaries can quietly collapse. Sometimes boundaries can be a victim of their own success: if you've enforced a wise boundary enough, you may experience a decrease in the situations that produced boundary crossings. In these cases we can forget why we even needed them in the first place.
Don't be afraid to hold a regular check-in, self assessment, or even a monthly boundary maintenance ritual. Set the date for the third Thursday of every month on your calendar, or put a reminder in your phone. Have a close friend who knows of your boundaries check in with you about how they are holding up.
And if you find that your boundaries haven't been as stable as you'd like, remember that even an imperfect experiment with boundaries should be celebrated without shame. If you are even considering adding or retooling a boundary in your life, it's a sign of growth.
Better boundaries aren’t a destination - they’re a practice
Think of boundaries more like a résumé than a contract: living documents that can be written and revised as you gain life experience.
They shrink in and expand outward. They can be temporarily paused during emergencies, but returned to when the crisis is over.
The goal is not perfection, it's action.
he/him