Emotional Burnout: The Consequences of Parental Defensiveness

“They’re asking too much!” “I give so much, I have nothing left!” “I just want someone to take care of me.” Sound familiar? Many of us who find ourselves in caregiver roles are passionate about supporting others, but find that we’re emotionally burned out, overextended, and sometimes resentful of others. Part of us may believe that these feelings are just part of being a generous, caring person. But there is also a quiet little persistent voice that whispers, “Is this healthy? There’s got to be a better way.” There is, and it begins with understanding where the cycle of emotional burnout starts. 

While many people will experience emotional burnout from time to time, if we repeatedly find ourselves giving and not receiving, feeling taken-for-granted, or resentful of others for expressing their needs to us, we may have a childhood wound around giving and receiving emotional support. The tricky part about emotional wounds in childhood is that on the surface, it might seem like all our needs were provided for. We might have had shelter, food, and our material needs met, but somehow still felt lost, anxious, or scared to share our deeper emotional needs with our parents. How could this be? Why would a child feel this way when it seems like they had caring parents?

While our material needs are important, our emotional needs are just as important, if not more. These include not only guidance, support, and affection, but being seen and heard when we’re hurting. Especially important can be how our caregivers respond to our emotional needs. If we expressed a need for support, listening, or empathy, and our parents didn’t respond, or they responded with defensiveness, this might have wounded us in a significant way. What might this look like? Perhaps you were crying and instead of expressing warmth and patience, they reacted with exasperation. Or maybe you had the courage to let them know that something they did hurt you, but instead of taking accountability, they responded with, “Well I guess I’m just a terrible parent!” or “After all I’ve done for you!” or “You’re so sensitive!”

Regardless of their exact response, you learned that certain needs were just too much for them, and it was better you just keep them to yourself. If we experience this enough, we may start to habitually suppress our needs and prioritize the needs of others. Over time, the role of emotional caretaker can begin to feel natural, even valuable or a key part of our identity. But we may also experience repeated instances of feeling taken-for-granted or overextended in our jobs and personal relationships. What can we do if this is the case?

Not all parents stay defensive their entire lives. If you’ve seen your parents grow in their ability to take accountability, engaging in a reparative process with them – with or without the help of a therapist – may be extremely healing. If, for any reason, this doesn’t seem possible, healing the relationship with yourself can still be extremely helpful. This would involve learning to recognize and honor your emotional needs without shame. The right therapist can help you practice identifying and sharing your emotional needs with them, even letting them know when they’ve upset you. As you become more comfortable, you can start practicing with people outside of therapy. The goal is learning that your needs are not shame and are just as important as others’. 

Our emotional needs do not need to disappear as soon as someone else needs something. In fact, the healthiest relationships contain boundaries and communication that prioritize the needs of both/all people. If you’ve been silently suffering, therapy can help. You don’t have to wait for things to get “really bad” before you get support. Please reach out.

All my best,

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT #129032

Thrive therapist, Supervisor, Program Manager

she/her