Setting boundaries, even now
Ivy Griffin
These are such tough times we’re continuing to live in, especially for sensitive souls who absorb so much of what happens around us. I keep saying this again and again, yet it’s still true. Those of us in California have been even more impacted in the past month with the horrific wildfires and terrible air quality. As someone who finds a lot of solace in getting outdoors and moving, it’s been incredibly challenging. It can feel like we’re on house arrest--can’t go outside and can’t go inside anywhere. Damned if we do or don’t.
Add to this trying to create alone time for our self-care--if we live with others--or trying to give ourselves the necessary down time to recharge when folks may be calling, texting, Zooming and expecting that we’re always available to chat or to work . . . because where could we go and what could we do anyway? Plus, if we’re trying to work from home AND balance being the teacher/parent/monitor for kids doing distance learning, it’s like having 2 full time jobs you can’t get away from!
So, unique issues arise as we try to set and hold boundaries to protect ourselves. And, it is still incredibly important to make, carve out, demand time for rest and rejuvenation. No one can keep going and going, and such down time is even more vital for highly sensitive people (HSPs). We soak up so much emotion from others and the world, hold so much empathy for all the suffering we see happening, think so deeply and critically about the state of things, and can get very overloaded by sensory experiences like smelling smoke or intense heat that it is absolutely essential for us to hold boundaries for our own self-care. If we don’t do this, we can’t help ourselves or our loved ones very well, and we will burn out and shut down.
Here are some ideas for how to set those much-needed boundaries in the time of pandemic:
Build in 20-30 minutes at the beginning or end of your day just for you. (Sometimes it helps if you get up earlier or stay up later than others in your house, so you can get that alone time. If that’s not doable, try going in another room and closing the door or going outside.) Savor that morning cup of coffee, journal, meditate, watch the birds outside your window, read for pleasure. Do something simple and rejuvenating (probably not scrolling social media) just for you, and make this part of your daily routine.
Remember the bathroom. I know, it sounds strange, but this is one of my favorite techniques for a quick way to get some space for yourself. If you close and lock the door, most adults aren’t going to follow you in there. If you’re trying to escape the kids, take a nice, long shower (with that door locked). It’s nearly impossible to hear anything over the shower noise, right? right? ;) You can even turn on some music you enjoy or some peaceful nature sounds to make it extra hard to hear what’s going on in the rest of your home.
Consider planning one (or more!) evening(s)--or mornings or afternoons--a week just for you. Let your partner, roommate, or family know that _______ is time you’re taking for just you, and ask them not to interrupt. Watch a movie, go for a long walk or hike, rest in your hammock, binge a show, pack a picnic for one and read at the park, whatever tickles your fancy. (If possible, it can help if you get out of the house, so others aren’t tempted to interrupt.) You even have permission to turn your phone off or put it on ‘do not disturb,’ so you can unplug and not feel the pressure from texts or notifications buzzing. Treat this like a date with yourself. Make it something you look forward to, something special just for you.
DO NOT believe that you have to respond immediately to that text, email, or call. It really is okay to not even read the message or listen to the voicemail until you’re ready. 99.9% of things are not emergencies. You are not required to be constantly available, no matter what anyone else says. If notifications create anxiety or feel too hard to ignore, try putting your phone in another room for a while or just turning it off. I even advocate for turning off your email and social media notifications permanently, so you won’t be tempted by those pings. You can respond to things in your timeframe when you have the energy.
Practice what to say when your colleague, friend, or family member wants something from you, but you want to say no:
My day is so packed, I just can’t fit anything else in. (Yes, you can say this even if someone else wouldn’t think your schedule was so full. You get to decide your limits, even if those are different from other people.)
Actually, could you please handle ___________? I’m feeling really stressed and could use a break.
I really need some ‘me’ time tonight.
Silence (Remember, in those moments when someone is looking for a volunteer, you can simply not offer . . . even if no one else is offering . . . even if it’s something you know you’d be good at. You don’t have to take on everything, and you don’t have to fix it all. You can let others figure out their own answers.)
It won’t work for me right now. Let me get back to you (tomorrow, later in the week, next week). (You don’t even need to offer more explanation.)
If your boss asks something of you, it’s harder to just say no and might not be a realistic option. But, you could still set a boundary like this:
If I take this on, I’m going to need to let something else go (or de-prioritize something else). What would you like me to focus on first?
Thank you so much for the opportunity, but I’m going to have to pass.
I’m sorry, but I’ve got another commitment this evening. I can work on that first thing tomorrow though.
Setting and holding boundaries is different these days, but it really is still possible. It can feel like learning a new skill, and it takes practice and compassion with ourselves (ain’t none of us perfect :) ). Try your best, and please know that you deserve time for rest and for caring for your precious sensitive self. The world really needs us, especially now.
Take good care, dear ones,
Ivy
Ivy Griffin, LMFT # 51714, Director
she/hers
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com
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