How many times do we hear people say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff!” “Stop making mountains out of molehills.” “Just let it go!” Then, for sensitive folks, how many ways do we beat ourselves up for not being able to do these very things? “There’s something wrong with me.” “Why can’t I be like other people?” “Why do things get to me so much?” This questioning and blaming, naturally, leads to negative thoughts and judgments about ourselves, which then makes us feel (in technical terms) like shit.
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Let’s face it. At one point during our younger educational years, the thought, “School sucks!” crossed our minds. There’s no denying that sometimes it seemed like the grind of going to school, day in and day out, was a waste of time. I’ve heard more than a few people talk about how pointless it felt to be learning subjects that they had no passion for or interest in. Yet, they persisted and made every effort to succeed with high scores and high achievements in order to achieve the ultimate goal: determine what to be for life -- get accepted to a good college -- secure a good future.
The pressure is on even more these days with older teens facing an undeniable time of reckoning--deciding what they want to ‘become.’
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We live in such a busy, fast-paced culture. If we’re not working 40, 50, 60+ hours each week, we’re running from the grocery store to the cleaners to the (fill-in-the-blank), cooking dinner and worrying about whether to be low carb or plant-based or just eat what we want. We might be driving kids to their sports practice or rushing off to get in a quick workout at the gym. However we fill our days, most of us have a LOT going on! No wonder we get overwhelmed.
Of course, there are a couple of problems with being overwhelmed. . .
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How would you fill in this blank today? You have the right to need ______________. Quiet time? Acceptance? Time spent outdoors? Love? Snuggles from your partner? Gentleness? Validation?
Highly sensitive people (HSPs) tend to struggle with and fight against their own needs. We may try to talk ourselves out of our needs (“It’s my problem; I just need to get over it.”), or shove down our needs to try to make them disappear (by bingeing on Netflix or having one more glass of wine to distract ourselves). We may even try to guilt ourselves out of our needs—“There are so many people in the world who don’t have running water. It’s not ok for me to be worried about my hurt feelings.” Any of this sound familiar, dear sensitive souls?
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“My parents just don’t understand me.”
“My kid doesn’t listen to anything I say!”
“My mom’s always yelling at me.”
“I have to tell him 5,000 times, and he still doesn’t do anything!”
“I get in trouble for everything!”
“I give one simple rule, and she can’t even follow it.”
Sound familiar? These are the kinds of statements we often hear from teens and their parents in the therapy room. Teens and parents can feel like they are speaking two entirely different languages with no translator, and the end result is that everybody ends up frustrated, hurt and unheard or misunderstood.
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There are times in life that require change. It might be a new job possibility, a passion about starting a new business, an interest in taking up a new hobby. It can also be challenges of life that necessitate change—a relationship that is no longer working, a sick loved one, a work environment or career that does not fit our needs. Whatever the impetus, it can be a scary and overwhelming time, especially for highly sensitive people (HSPs).
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Imagine this scenario:
You notice something is off. Every time you ask your teen daughter how she is doing, she just says, “I’m fine.” It’s frustrating because you know there’s more going on than “just fine” because you are feeling it. You’ve felt the shift in her behavior and mood for a while now. Maybe you’ve even asked Dr. Google late at night, putting in her behaviors and words— searching desperately for answers to that nagging in your gut that something is wrong.
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Have you noticed any changes in yourself lately? Maybe you have a harder-than-usual time of getting out of bed in the morning, and you’ve been sleeping a lot. Or, you can’t seem to shake this feeling of “meh.” Things may not seem very fun or interesting because you just don’t really care. You might find yourself not wanting to go anywhere in the evenings and spending more time bingeing on shows and vegging out. With this low energy and desire to hibernate, you may also notice that you’re spending more time alone or not connecting as well with your partner, friends or loved ones.
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I was blown away when I learned that this was possible. I know, combining these two traits sounds like a total oxymoron, right? How can a person both be sensitive to stimuli and their environment, feel emotions deeply, be thoroughly analytical and think-before-acting AND want MORE intensity, excitement, adventure, newness? Well, because we human beings are incredibly complex! I also knew as soon as I heard the high sensation seeker (HSS) term that that must be me, just like I knew the instant I heard of a highly sensitive person (HSP) that I too was one.
Luckily, there’s also research to back up each of these traits. (Because, you know how we HSPs can overanalyze to the point we completely doubt ourselves.)
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Do you notice that your teen goes through these times when it seems like their entire body has been overtaken by emotion? Almost as if they’ve been consumed by a strange creature, and you’re not sure what’s going to be left when it’s all said and done?? You see a full-on Hulk standing in your living room where your once-lovely child was.
Yep, most teens go through times of HUGE emotions, and most parents of teens have been there, seen that! Due to the physiological processes occurring in teens as their brains grow and develop and as their hormones and body chemistry changes, feeling really big feelings is something most teens experience from time to time. And, it ain’t pretty. Not for teens and not for those who love them. Often, parents can feel like, “Wait, seriously? Seriously? We’re doing this AGAIN?”
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Anxiety. It’s such a normal and a dreaded emotion. And, I mean, dreaaaad-ed. We’ll go to all kinds of lengths to avoid, push down, squash and completely ignore anxiety. Why? Probably because it feels pretty awful. Personally, I hate the stomach-churning, chest-tightening, breath-shortening, shaky and somewhat nauseous sensations that accompany anxiety for me. Anxiety can also include sweatiness, dry mouth, racing heart, inability to think clearly or, basically, to make any kind of rational decision. No wonder we hate it!
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Have you ever stopped and thought about all the qualities that make you uniquely you, dear highly sensitive person? Yes, yes, as an HSP, you might already be over-analyzing. If you’re having a bad day or in low spirits, you might be telling yourself there’s nothing so special about you. Or, you might be able to write an essay describing yourself with all that wonderful insight you have. No matter how you’re feeling right now, no matter what kind of day it is, I first invite you to take some time--today or within this next week--for yourself and the following exercise.
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Recently, I learned about a smartphone app that left me confused and shaking my head in wonderment. By the way, anyone else here feel like there’s some NEW app or online program or device to worry about Every. Single. Day? Uh huh, me too. No wonder so many parents and families and schools are trying to sort out how to educate and protect kids in this millennium!
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We can feel that "fear of missing out" about so many life experiences, and the holiday season is no different. This time of year can bring up soooo many different feelings, even within the same person. Some people have a childlike sense of wonder with the traditions and lights and parties. Others might enjoy the festivities but dread the stress of getting it all done. Still others can be left longing for more or hurting because they don’t have the people or relationships or traditions they want in their lives at this time of year.
Dear friends, this article is for those of you in this latter category.
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We all need support. As humans, we’re social creatures. This means, biologically, we're wired to live in groups, work together and connect with other people. How we do this and how much we do this certainly varies based on our individual preferences, life experience, personality traits and so on. This need for positive encouraging support can be even more crucial for HSPs (highly sensitive people).
Why?
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