There MUST be boundaries around technology! Yup, I said it. Boundaries are a must-have when raising a child today in a digitally dominated era. I see more and more teens come into my office with their phones dinging and buzzing in their hands—demanding their precious attention and time. And, we all know how tantalizing those notifications are—ever tried not to check your phone when you know you just received a text?
This is where boundaries come in. Boundaries are how we create safe and constructive separations around people, places, and things. As adults, we have boundaries for all kinds of things—not sharing Trump’s latest Tweet at the dinner table, saving that beer for the end of our workday or not checking our work emails on Sundays. Boundaries keep us in a healthy check with the world and its multitude of demands and distractions.
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We all know dating can be hard! Especially in the Tinder-driven, ghosting, throw away world of modern dating. But, dating is kinda one of those evils we live with because how else are ya gonna meet someone? Then, you meet someone who seems really great, but you know he's been hurt before. So, you tread carefully, but what next?
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Have you ever stopped and really paid attention to the thoughts running through your head? Ever really listened to what your thoughts say to you about you? Notice how it can feel like you have the harshest critic in the world living in your own head? Our thoughts can be total jerks! As human beings, we have this tendency to talk to ourselves in ways we would never dream of speaking to anyone else, and this is especially true for us HSPs (highly sensitive people).
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So, one of the best things we can do for our teens is to help them learn to be kind to themselves. Such kindness can be referred to as self-compassion, and there’s now a chunk of research that shows that self-compassion is really effective in helping people feel better and be happier. In fact, it’s argued that self-compassion is even more helpful than self-esteem, which requires us to rate ourselves and our abilities. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is the recognition that we all deserve kindness and caring just because we’re alive. It’s not earned; it’s a basic right.
Where do we start?
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I realize that I’ve been practicing meditation for about 7 years now. <lets out a low whistle.> I’m both proud and shocked at how long that sounds. I also feel some immediate imposter syndrome kick in and want to make sure you know that I am in no way some kind of meditation guru. Not. Even. Close. My journey with meditation has been stop and go. Sometimes I’m off for a while before I get back on the path again.I definitely do not believe there is only one way to meditate, but if there’s only one way that works or resonates for you—that’s okay too. I’m of the find-what-works-for-you-and-do-it approach.
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Parenting in the digital age is tough! Parents are constantly asking: “Should I monitor my teens Facebook? What are they posting on Snapchat? Should I even be worried?”I mean, it’s not like you get a “How To” guide on monitoring Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook or YouTube! It’s natural to be a little anxious on what your teen is possibly being exposed to or doing online. (Especially after you’ve already being declined as a ‘friend’ on your teens’ facebook.)
Disclaimer: this article covers a particularly sensitive topic—teens sending one another graphic images. If this isn’t a topic you want to explore, best to stop reading here.
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- There’s a whole range of how depressed a person can be.
a. On one end of the spectrum, people may still go to work or school, spend time with friends and family and keep pursuing their hobbies. However, they find they just don’t care very much. Or their energy is really low. Or it feels like life went gray (remember Pleasantville? Yea, gray like that.)---nothing else changed but everything is less exciting, less interesting, more boring or blah. The people who care about them may have no idea anything is wrong. They keep going along in life as always, but they know things are off. They really want to just feel lighter, more like themselves or more like how they think they could be.
b. At the more extreme end of the spectrum, people may not get out of bed. They may cry all day or lie around and binge on Netflix for days and weeks. They may feel so horrible that they don’t want to live anymore. The more intense depressive symptoms are easier to recognize. They’re also very painful for the people experiencing them and for their loved ones.
- Depression can occur at any age and at any point in life. We’re not immune to depression past a certain point in life, nor are we too naive as kids or teens to become depressed.
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I LOVE this notion. And, it’s often so necessary for HSPs. We can struggle with our ability to state what we want and need in ways that others hear and respond to. Catch that? This is about helping other people understand and accurately respond to our requests (which—by the way—helps build secure attachment, but that’s an article for another day :)).
Take this conversation, for example:
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Parents, have you ever had an experience like this? You’re standing in the kitchen, it’s a beautiful weekend morning, and your teenager strolls in and begins rummaging through the pantry. You admire and love your kid and sincerely ask, “How are you doing this morning?” Instead of getting what you might consider a normal human response, you receive a glare that could turn a giant to stone. “I’m fine,” replies your teen in a monotone voice. Then comes a quick huffing, stomping, and under-the-breath comments about minding your own business. You’re left confused and wondering what the heck just happened. Well, you’re not alone!
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Welcome to our Surviving & Thriving blog! This will be our new spot to feature articles, videos, images, etc. that we want to share and that we think could be helpful to you. We may cover depression, anxiety, healthy communication, self-compassion, relationship tips, coping skills and on and on here. It'll be our playground to share with you!
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This summer I had the opportunity to attend A Weekend for Highly Sensitive People with Elaine Aron and some of her HSP protégés. The retreat was held in the Santa Cruz mountains with redwoods outside our windows and hiking trails onsite. I felt a bit like a kid in a candy store with getting to meet THE person who identified, researched and verified this trait of sensitivity, on top of being in one of my favorite settings. I realize as I review my notes that I may be writing multiple articles about my takeaways from this weekend, but I wanted to start with a review of the basics--an appreciation for who we are and for how legit this trait is.
What does it really mean to be a HSP?
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“This is stupid! I’m done!” shouts your 11 year old as he stomps past you. You watch the severe scowl of irritation on his face and his I’m so totally done with homework tonight vibe with some bewilderment. You wonder why he gave up so quickly or what was so challenging about the work. The reoccurring theme for your kiddo is his impatience and unwillingness to put in the extra effort. I see it in my office a lot—a low frustration tolerance in tweens when they fail. Failing is tough for all of us! That’s why is it so important now for your child to learn how to cope when frustrating moments happen in life.
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Do you have those moments where it feels like your entire body has been taken over by a feeling? Almost as if you’ve been consumed by a strange creature, and you’re not sure if there’s going to be a “you” when it’s all said and done?? I imagine most of us HSPs have had and will continue to have these moments—much to our chagrin. We hate them, right? I have that sense of ‘Wait, seriously, seriously?’ when it starts to happen. Like, are you kidding me—I’m here—AGAIN?!
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I am in awe of the imagination. It helps us cope with everyday stressors as we imagine our next European trip or crushing it on our imaginary audition on The Voice. Imagination is also the key to success because it can unlock our creative side. Imagination helps us solve problems, gives hope, and, best of all, we can create entire worlds within ourselves. Look at some of the most famous, successful people in history—Walt Disney, Stan Lee, Steve Jobs, JK Rowling, etc. Without their sense of wonder and creativity hard at work, our world would be a darker place! Yet in my work with kids, teens and their families, I’ve been noticing an ever growing trend--the lack of imagination.
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Boredom for many parents is a scary word. Whenever I mention it to the families I work with I get a physical reaction of wide eyes and nervous, terrified giggles or full-on snorts of disbelief. Anxiety creeps over their faces ,and they shake their heads at me and mumble ‘no way’ or ‘that won’t last long…’ I get it. Kids in an instant gratification age/era is tough! It can almost feel impossible. But I’m here to tell you--it’s a crucial ingredient to growing up.
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