We’re living in such uncertain times. Different information keeps coming out about how
COVID-19 works, and there’s still much about the virus that we don’t understand. We’re not
quite sure when schools will resume or when people will go back to their offices. It’s hard to plan
for the future. Will there be more stay-at-home orders? Can we plan a vacation? Will the virus
worsen when the weather cools off? Will colleges and universities be all online in the fall? And,
if so, does your teen want to begin their college career this way?
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Parenting is already such a challenge, let alone parenting a teenager when you’re all stuck at home. Both parents and teens may feel overwhelmed by the amount of time together without the typical outlets of work or school with friends and colleagues. On top of that, we may be dealing with boredom, fear, and grief as we navigate complex losses resulting from the pandemic. Regardless of our individual situations, we all need support in navigating these unprecedented circumstances.
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A question I hear a lot from parents in the therapy room is, “Where do I draw the line?” Some things may be clear, but there’s a lot of nuance. Do I limit their screen time, and if so, how without starting WWIII? Do I monitor their social media? How much should I watch over their grades and hound them about homework, or do I let them face the consequences for themselves? What’s acceptable for them to wear, and should I dictate clothing choices? Is any alcohol or drug use okay? What about sex?
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Teens have a lot of pressure on them these days. They’re a generation that’s more “on” and connected than ever before. They can feel pressure from friends and peers to constantly be available online and responding to messages (or risk missing out on important social happenings), they may feel the stress of navigating AP classes or taking college classes in conjunction with their regular high school coursework, and many teens can fixate on worrying about their SAT/ACT scores, GPAs, extra-curriculars, athletics, and what all of those mean for what colleges they will get into. Many teens believe that making the “right” decisions around college will dictate the course of their entire lives, their income, and their future happiness.
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Yes, it’s true--adolescence can be a time of self-centeredness. Developmentally, teens are wired to pull away from their families and gravitate toward their friends and peers, as they prepare to launch out into the world on their own. Biologically, this also makes sense because as human beings, we are social creatures and need other people to survive. So, if the family is no longer the primary source of support, friends and peers become exceedingly important, which then makes teens very self-conscious and focused on themselves to accomplish this significant developmental task.
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“Please put your phone down, and look at me!” “You’re gonna walk into something if you keep staring at your phone like that!” “Believe me, you are not going to die if you don’t have wifi all weekend.”
Any of these sound familiar? Have you found yourself saying similar things to your own teen? It’s such a common challenge. How do we help our kids appreciate technology without becoming all consumed by it?
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This is for the parents who are struggling with their teens’ developing and changing identities and for those who really just want their teens to bypass adolescence entirely and move straight into adulthood.
We hear you! Adolescence is a TOUGH time.
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This new school year can be especially nerve-wracking for anyone who’s starting anew--especially if your kid is beginning high school, adjusting to a new school, or starting their first semester of college. For most people, new experiences bring a combination of excitement, anxiety, and overwhelm. This can certainly be true for teens, and all that intensity can leave your kid with a buzzy, hard-to-settle presence.
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Have you noticed that your teen is struggling in their relationships? Have you observed them trying to be someone they’re not in order to fit in? Have you seen your teen going out of their way to please their friends, just to be liked . . . only to be taken advantage of and manipulated?
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Sometimes it can seem like teens completely tune out (or want nothing to do with) adults, especially authority figures, even more so--their parents. This can leave parents feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. “He’s not getting his homework done, but how am I supposed to get him on the right track when he won’t listen to me?!” “She seems irritable and agitated a lot these days, but when I ask what’s wrong, she rolls her eyes or grumbles, ‘nothing.’ How do I get through to her?”
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“I hate math! I’m done!” shouts your 14 year old as he slams his book shut and jumps up from the kitchen table, almost knocking over the chair with him. You watch the severe scowl of irritation on his face and his I’m so totally done with homework tonight vibe with some bewilderment. You wonder why he gave up so quickly or what was so challenging about the work. The recurring theme for your kiddo is his impatience and unwillingness to put in the extra effort.
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You know that old saying, “What do we do when we fall? - We get back up!”? It seems that our youth are really struggling with mastering this important life skill. There is a trend of perfectionism and a lack of resilience among teens that has caught the attention of mental health and education professionals, as well as parents. When we have adolescents who can’t bounce back from failure (i.e. are not resilient) and aren’t given the appropriate level of independence they need for healthy development, we end up with young adults who are incredibly anxious and depressed.
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Do you see your teen lounging around--eyes glued to their phone constantly--and worry about what kind of adult they’re going to become and what on earth they’re going to do with their lives? You might be frustrated with their lack of caring . . . about seemingly anything serious or with their ability to sleep 17 hours a day or with how you have to tell them 8 times to unload the dishwasher, and you wonder when they’ll fiiiiinally get it together.
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Is your teen coming home sad, angry, and/or anxious? Is your teen isolating and withdrawing from family members when they get home from school? You may be wondering whether their mood is caused by normal teenage emotions or whether something else is happening at school that may be contributing.
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Teens are constantly comparing themselves to unrealistic expectations of beauty. They have images of flawless people that are portrayed everywhere they look in social media, TV, movies, and magazines. Teens are not thinking about the fact that the majority of these people have gone through plastic surgery to look the way that they do and that these so-called “flawless people” have their photos airbrushed and photo-shopped in order for them to appear so perfect. Instead, they're asking themselves questions like “Why do I not look perfect like them?”
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Parents, let’s get real here. If you have a teenager, chances are they have either tried cannabis (pot/weed), are actively using it, or they know another teen who is. And, chances are that at least some of the parents you’ve talked to are in some way co-signing their teen’s pot use. “Oh, it’s just pot,” they may say. Or, “they’re just teenagers, they’ll grow out of it;” “they’re stressed; they’re under so much pressure; they are just blowing off steam.”
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It’s that time of year again. Summer is coming to an end, and school supplies line the shelves at Target. This year even the weather is cooler. All of this means your teen is either back in school or on the verge of going back. Talk of homework and class schedules, grades and college applications are swirling. Then, there are dances and homecoming and drivers’ licenses and dating.
Back-to-school time brings all of this to the forefront. Summer seems over, and future plans abound. Parents and teens alike want to get started on the right foot.
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In our society, romance is all around us. Ooey-gooey love stories are glamorized and set high expectations for young relationships. Teens may not yet be aware of the fact that relationships are not usually how they are portrayed in TV shows or in the movies. The intensity in these storybook relationships draw teens in, and these skewed expectations are part of what can contribute to how hard teens take their first, or first, few break-ups. In your teen’s eyes, they may have envisioned their first relationship as something that would last a lifetime. They may have fallen so hard and so fast that they couldn’t possibly imagine the relationship would ever end. Your teen taking their break-up hard is really just a part of growing and learning for them. Because, as we all know, it’s called heartbreak for a reason!
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We are what we eat, think, and believe.
It is a simple statement, yet like a ripe and ready-to-eat onion, it’s got layers to it. We live in a fast-paced, demanding, and overly stimulating world that requires vast amounts of energy, time, and attention. Sometimes the last thing on our minds is eating. Especially in a world saturated with ready-to-eat, fast-food, to-go options.
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Let’s face it. At one point during our younger educational years, the thought, “School sucks!” crossed our minds. There’s no denying that sometimes it seemed like the grind of going to school, day in and day out, was a waste of time. I’ve heard more than a few people talk about how pointless it felt to be learning subjects that they had no passion for or interest in. Yet, they persisted and made every effort to succeed with high scores and high achievements in order to achieve the ultimate goal: determine what to be for life -- get accepted to a good college -- secure a good future.
The pressure is on even more these days with older teens facing an undeniable time of reckoning--deciding what they want to ‘become.’
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