What If I Mess Up My Teen?

When I work with clients who are parents, it’s common to hear, “What if I mess up my kid?!” Their fear and concern is palpable. Often, parents say this when they’re coming to terms with their own painful relationship dynamics with their parents and genuinely want something better for their children. The teen years in particular can cause parents to feel a painful distance from their kid(s), leaving them wondering if they’ve done something wrong, or if they’ll ever be close again. What can parents do to keep perspective, practice self-care, and take meaningful steps to protect connection, even when their teens want space from them?

Distance or conflict don’t mean you’re doing something wrong

While it’s normal to experience pain because of distance or conflict with your teen, it’s also normal and healthy for there to be discord between you. Experimenting with boundaries and differentiating from our parents are natural parts of growing into ourselves. This can be a valuable opportunity to reflect on your own experience growing up – Were you allowed to say “no” to your parents? What let you know it was or wasn’t safe to say “no,” or ask for space? If you realize conflict and boundaries were fraught in your family, remind yourself that you didn’t choose these circumstances, and it’s ok to ask another adult or professional for empathy and support in this area.

You don’t have to have all the answers

Think about the relationships and moments of connection with people you value most in your life – did all of them have definitive instructions to give when you were struggling? Probably not. What’s more likely is that they were emotionally present, nonjudgmental, and they listened to you. It may feel like as a parent, you should have answers for your teen, especially when they’re struggling. But what we need more than answers is connection. Even when your teen needs space, you can protect your emotional connection by listening to their needs and respecting them as much as you can while still expressing your availability and interest in supporting them. You don’t have to have answers in order to listen and express empathy. In fact, modeling self-compassion for not having the answers could be one of the most valuable things you can do. 

Practice letting go of specific outcomes

Some parents express fear of their children ending up in therapy because the parent-child relationship is struggling. But what if ending up in therapy was a sign of health and hope? Some people only feel safe to seek therapy once they’ve reached adulthood and moved out of their parents’ home. A teen requesting therapy may be a sign that they feel safe enough to do so. You can preserve and foster connection by supporting their needs and letting them know you’re available to participate if they want you to while also respecting their need for privacy. When we practice letting go of specific outcomes, we make room for other possibilities. When we practice self-compassion, we’re more likely to be able to meet our teen where they are versus wishing things were different and running from our own harsh self-criticism. 

The goal is not to never make any mistakes. Mistakes can be valuable opportunities for us to show up for ourselves and our teens, teaching them that we do not have to be perfect to be lovable. When we practice self-care and seek support from other adults, we also model for teens that we all need care to give care and that this is a natural, healthy part of relationships. That said, if you are a parent in need of support, please reach out!

Warmly,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT #129032

Therapist, Program Manager, Supervisor

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