When You Become An Emotional Dumping Ground
Ivy Griffin
Highly sensitive people (HSPs) often possess high levels of empathy, excellent listening skills, and compassion which make us wonderful friends and confidants. But what do we do when we become emotional dumping grounds for others? How do we recognize when this is happening and how can we protect ourselves?
As an HSP, you’ve probably had the experience of becoming overwhelmed while listening to others vent or pour out their hearts to you. A certain amount of this is natural for HSPs which can make it difficult to tell when we’re the recipient of emotional dumping and not just being a support for a good friend. What’s more, we tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, assuming they don’t mean to take advantage of us. This can add to our confusion and difficulty enacting healthy boundaries.
Here are some ways you can protect yourself from becoming an emotional dumping ground for others:
Drop the judgment, and just observe – Resistance to categorizing others as “bad friends” or “taking advantage” may blind us to unhealthy or uneven relationship dynamics. Instead of categorizing what’s happening, just observe and report. How do you feel when this person shares with you? How often is this happening? How does it affect your desire to spend time with them?
Start sharing your experience – When others share, HSPs often just absorb, absorb, absorb. But in an egalitarian relationship, we don’t have to stay silent. We can let the other person know, “That sounds so intense. I’m having some really intense feelings just hearing about it.” For some, this will help them to be more aware of the impact they’re having on you.
Gentle boundaries – If you share your emotional experience and the other person continues to vent, you could try gently ending or diverting the conversation to another topic. This might sound something like, “That sounds so hard. I really don’t know what to say. I hope things get better.”
Firmer boundaries – The vast majority of people would struggle to tell someone to stop talking. In reality, we tend to navigate these types of situations clumsily at best. If you share your feelings, attempt to set gentle boundaries, and the other person continues to vent to you, this might be an indicator that they struggle to be sensitive to others. If that’s the case, verbal boundaries might not be the best approach. If you wanted to try setting firmer verbal boundaries, you could say “I really want to support you but I just don’t have the bandwidth for this topic today. Thanks for understanding.” But if that’s not doable for any reason, you may have to spend less time with this person.
Navigating these types of situations is not easy. Many of us have received the message from childhood that our main value is in what we can do for others. We might have also subtly received the message that if we don’t prioritize others’ needs over our own, we will lose our relationships. If you relate to these feelings, therapy with an HSP therapist can help. We can explore the complex factors that have contributed to any current struggles and start to change the relationship you have with yourself for the better.
Wishing you clarity, courage, and self-compassion,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032
Thrive Therapist and Program Manager
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda
916-287-3430