What if I don't like myself?

"What if I don't like myself?" "What if I hate myself sometimes?" So many of us experience this and wonder if there is something deeply, deeply wrong with us. I've thought about it a lot recently and while I don't believe I have "the answer", I think the answer I have might be helpful for some. 

Writing this feels scary, like I might upset some people. This lets me know that there's very real shame about not liking yourself. Perhaps I and many other mental health practitioners have unintentionally contributed to this. But I also think there's a wider cultural taboo against admitting you don’t like yourself which strikes me as odd because so many of the messages we get from advertisers are, "You're not good enough! Buy this product to feel better." So we're allowed to feel like we're not good enough, we're just not allowed to say it? 

What I've been thinking lately is: we are the only ones with whom we live 24/7, 365 days a year, our entire lives. Honestly, I think I'd have trouble liking anybody I spent that much time with! At the very least, I’d be annoyed with them a good portion of the time. I've recognized the need for a break from loved ones before because I didn't want to get tired of them so, to me, it makes sense we might have difficulty liking ourselves all the time. We don't know anyone as intimately as we know ourselves: every thought, every pore, every ache and bodily function. That's a lot to know about somebody.

So, it's ok to not like yourself? I think it's really natural to feel this over the course of our lives and shaming ourselves for feeling this way can make things worse. The more we fight or suppress certain feelings, the more they stick with us. Releasing shame about not liking ourselves might help create the space we need for those feelings to naturally shift and change over time. I like to picture my relationship with myself like a couple who have been together for decades – they know each other inside and out, all their quirks and foibles, "warts and all''. They've learned their partner isn't perfect and even makes them downright angry sometimes so they practice patience and humor to get through. 

One vital difference between an old couple and our relationship with ourselves is: there's zero possibility of leaving ourselves. We're stuck together the rest of our lives! Maybe that's why we gravitate towards escapist activities like being on our phones – we need a break from ourselves sometimes. We don't have to judge ourselves for this, but I think it can be helpful from time to time to reflect on how it's impacting us. 

I also think it's helpful to develop an endearing attitude towards ourselves. Instead of beating up on ourselves about our perceived shortcomings, maybe we ease off and playfully poke fun at ourselves instead. Maybe we try to remember we're in a long-term relationship with ourselves (the longest!) and it's just not worth our energy to be too hard on ourselves too often. For example, when familiar anxiety comes up, perhaps we practice a bit of humor and say to ourselves, “Anxiety again?! You were just here! Alright, well pull up a chair, I guess. Let me at least put on my comfy clothes for this visit!”

I've purposely not written advice for learning to love and appreciate yourself. That's not what this blog is about. It's about creating some compassion around the difficulty we have being with ourselves sometimes. It's about setting down some of that shame and judgment we feel for not liking ourselves all the time. If you struggle to like yourself, please know you're not alone. Many of us struggle greatly just to get along with ourselves. We're not bad or weak, just profoundly human. 

If you'd like support for your relationship with yourself, please reach out. Therapists aren't perfect and don't have all the answers but the therapists at Thrive deeply value connection and helping where we can. We can offer a new perspective, a listening ear, and a safe place to explore your intimate, unique, and complex relationship with yourself. 

All my best,

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT#129032

Therapist and Program Manager

https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda

916-287-3430