So, You Don’t Like Your Teen’s Partner

Maybe you don’t trust them - they seem controlling, clingy, or possessive. Perhaps you don’t like how your teenager acts differently around them, like a totally different person with different interests and tastes and even style. It could also be that you’ve noticed other changes in your teen since this new love interest came into the picture, such as acting secretive, reclusive, or moody. Or it’s just that your teen and their date are moving way too fast, getting too serious and overly involved at the expense of everything else. After all, they’re only teenagers!

You are not alone, and your concerns show a deep care and protectiveness for your teen’s well being. As a parent, witnessing your teen transition into the world of dating can be challenging enough all on its own, let alone if you also disapprove of the person your teen has chosen as their partner. It’s important to remember that while it’s natural to want to shield your child from negative romantic experiences, this is the developmental era for them to be exploring their preferences and establishing their identity. Here are some helpful things to keep in mind in order to better support your teenager while keeping your own cool, so to speak.

Take some time to understand the reasons for your own disapproval. By doing so, you may discover more about yourself as well. For example, are there certain values or beliefs that are incongruent with this person's personality or style? Do you have biases or preconceptions about this person's background, upbringing, or identity?

Getting specific with yourself about the reasons for your disapproval will help you confront the situation in a more productive and respectful way. This can help open up a dialogue that might lead to a better understanding between you and your teen while also creating room for healthy disagreement.

Combat critique with curiosity. Instead of stating your dislikes and judgments outright, try to reframe them into questions. This keeps the door of communication open between you and your teen and reduces the likelihood of defensiveness and alienation. You can phrase your inquiry in a broad open way, or if you’re concerned with something specific, you can name it as a simple observation.

For example, something like: “I’ve noticed that your boyfriend was texting you a lot when you were hanging out with your friends the other day. What was that like? Do you like to keep in touch that often?” is bound to land a lot better than “I don’t like how much your boyfriend texts you. Didn’t you tell him you were busy with friends? How rude.”

Encourage your teen to set their own boundaries, too. The more you can show up to these conversations with an open mind, the more comfortable your teenager will be with actually coming to you when they are indeed struggling with something in their relationship. You can reflect on your teen’s strengths, encourage them to keep their commitments to family and friends outside of their romantic relationship, and empower them to say no to situations they are uncomfortable with - even when (or especially when!) it’s difficult.

Stay calm, stay curious, and try to stay on your teen’s team, because they are going to need you when things get rough.

Leigh Johnson, AMFT

they/them, he/him

Thrive Therapy and Counseling

leigh@thrivetherapyandcounesling.com