HSPs, Anxiety, and CEN
Ivy Griffin
Are you a highly sensitive person who struggles with chronic, free floating anxiety and tension? Do you also struggle to identify what's causing your anxiety? Perhaps you don't recognize that you're anxious but feel compelled to stay busy as much as possible. These might be the effects of childhood emotional neglect, also known as CEN.
Childhood emotional neglect can manifest in a variety of circumstances in which a disconnect is created between us and our emotions. For example, our parents may have been loving but also grappled with their own emotional wounds, causing them to have limited capacity to tolerate our emotions, or perhaps they didn't think discussing emotions was practical, or maybe they considered emotional expression a sign of weakness. Whatever the case, we didn't receive the guidance we needed to be able to effectively identify or process our emotions, leaving us with a sort of emotional static – free floating anxiety and tension with no recognizable origin.
But I thought it was just because I’m highly sensitive.
Our experiences are composed of many different internal and external factors-our sensitivity is just one. For example, if our caregivers were responsive to our sensitivity, they would help us to name our emotions and find ways to self-soothe and advocate for ourselves. If our caregivers were reactive to our sensitivity, they might have dismissed us with comments like “You’re just sensitive” or shamed us with comments like “You’re TOO sensitive!”. As you can see, our sensitivity is a common factor in these scenarios, but the different responses we receive shape us in different ways.
Where does emotional static come from?
Emotions are responses to internal and external stimuli, they can tell us about something that's happening, what our needs are, and what's important to us. Our ability to recognize, identify, and respond to them can help us to experience a sense of competence and meaning. When we don't get the guidance we need from our caregivers, we can feel like we're drowning in a sea of emotion.
Because we don't yet know how to swim in the waters of emotion, we may avoid them altogether. It's not uncommon for people in this situation to numb or avoid by staying busy, distracted, or to self-medicate with substances, food, or addictive media. Experiencing temporary relief may lead us to believe we need these things, which can lead us to engage in them compulsively. But this only contributes to the cycle of anxiety and overwhelm.
How do we learn to swim?
Just as learning to float is integral to swimming, practicing acceptance is integral to navigating our emotions. The emotional equivalent to floating on the surface of the water is to stop fighting against your emotions, to realize that ultimately, they're here to support you, even when you don't yet understand how. Self-judgment and contempt are equivalent to thrashing in the water, fighting and becoming more exhausted by the second. Dropping value judgments like "good", "bad", and "stupid" can help us relax and float to the surface again while we figure out what to do next.
For highly sensitive people whose sensitivity has been used to shame or dismiss them, learning to float in acceptance can be extremely difficult. Here are some self-talk that might be helpful:
“Emotions can be painful and intense but they’re not bad and I’m not bad or wrong for experiencing them.”
“I can listen to what my emotions are telling me and be patient with myself as I use my wisdom to decide the next best course of action.”
“My sensitivity is not a reason to ignore my needs. What do you need right now?”
Time, patience, and compassion are important and can be challenging to cultivate. If you need support, please don’t hesitate to reach out. And remember, you don’t have to earn support or wait until your struggle is “bad enough” to reach out. You can get support JUST because you need and want it.
All my best,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT#129032
Therapist and Program Manager
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda
916-287-3430