Am I Doomed to Repeat the Past?

As we move along in therapy and begin exploring some of the possible contributors to challenges we face, it can feel like we see patterns everywhere! We may think, “I’ve been handling things the same way forever!” “Will I ever be able to change?” “I’m turning out just like my parents!” No worries! This is a super common feeling to have and it does NOT mean you’re doomed to repeat the past. 

Patterns that develop early on are often the result of coping skills we develop as children to deal with situations we have no control over. These coping skills are really survival skills and, in a certain way, have helped us to get along in the world for a long time. However, like the clothes we wear as children, we grow out of them and we have to find something that’s a better fit. This is a part of the learning and growth that we all go through in life and while it can be challenging at times, it’s necessary and a sign that we’re ready for a change.  

When exploring patterns with clients, I like to use the metaphor of learning that you have a genetic predisposition for something like skin cancer. While this can feel scary, it’s not a certainty that we’ll get it but we should probably pay attention to our sun exposure and protection. It’s the same kind of idea with the patterns we notice in our lives. We may see that we tend to cope with things similar to the way our parents did, but this is not a guarantee we will turn out like them. Instead, we can look at it like any other predisposition: we need to live mindfully and do the best that we can to care for ourselves. 

The more self-awareness we have, the more informed our decisions can be. For instance, we may come from a family that just doesn’t talk about feelings. This is how we’ve been taught to cope. Suppressing our feelings can have all kinds of negative effects on our well-being in many areas. As our awareness about this pattern grows, we eventually come to a point when we feel the impulse to suppress our feelings but we decide to do something different and share our feelings instead. 

When we start to make these changes, it might feel clunky and awkward which is totally normal when we’re trying something new. The people around us may react to our new behavior because they’re not used to it. This is a normal, natural reaction to change. Remind yourself of why this change is meaningful to you and that there may be an adjustment period. 

Change can be difficult. Remember that the healthiest relationships and environments will embrace the healthy changes in you. If you’re not already in therapy and would like some support -- don’t hesitate to reach out!

Warmly,

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, AMFT #99821

she/hers

Supervised by Ivy Griffin, LMFT #51714

Thrive Therapy & Counseling

916-287-3430

thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda