On grieving
Ivy Griffin
Trigger warning: This article references what is happening in the world and the depth of grief. If you’re needing to not think more about current events, you might want to skip to the bulleted section on how to get through grief. If that sounds too heavy, maybe save this article for another time. All the best, dear sensitive ones.
My heart and body feel heavy just typing the words. I’ve been putting off writing this article, dreading the topic and the mind-body-soul despair/fatigue/overwhelm/heartbreak (do any of these words come near enough?) that accompany grief. Yet, as highly sensitive people, at this moment in time, we may be grieving about So. So. Much.
My heart breaks as I glimpse the videos (because watching the whole thing feels like more than I can take) about how peaceful protesters are enduring rubber bullets, tear gas, beatings. My soul is weary when I consider the decades upon centuries of horrific racism, abuse, discrimination at the institutional and the personal level--not to mention the weekly/daily/hourly (?) microaggressions and bias, even appearing as well-intentioned comments from friends and loved ones--that black people and people of color experience in the U.S. and around the world.
This, on the heels of over 100,000 people who have died from COVID-19 in just the U.S., the gut-wrenching stories of people dying alone because loved ones weren’t permitted in the hospital, the horrific experiences of nurses, doctors, and medical professionals not having the essential gear they needed to protect themselves. It’s enough to make anyone, highly sensitive or not, not get out of bed. And, I’ve barely scratched the surface in describing any of these nightmarish situations.
So, grief. There you are. Raw, consuming, soul-crushing.
In addition to the above, we’re likely to even feel grief about the smaller losses and changes in our own lives--the cancelled events, the inability to plan for the future. And, as HSPs, we likely feel guilty for grieving about such ‘unimportant’ or ‘minor’ things or think that we’re selfish for feeling our own losses when there is so much worse pain in the world. Please hear me--pain IS pain. Your loss and grief does NOT INVALIDATE anyone else’s. You are a deeply feeling human being, and you need to feel what you feel.
This is not to say that there aren’t layers to grief and that some losses aren’t more painful and heartbreaking than others. In fact, some losses demand significant amounts of time and space to grieve, whereas others can be felt briefly and released. However, the experience of grief carries similar elements, regardless of the cause.
How can we care for our weary bodies, minds, and souls when we’re grieving?
Understand that there is no linear path for grief. Yes, we’ll feel the denial, sadness, anger, bargaining (all those “what if’s”), and acceptance--aka the stages of grief, but they won’t appear as distinct stages. They’ll ebb and flow and blur together over time. We may cycle through all of them 10 times in a day or feel the sadness for weeks on end. Any and all of this is ok. This is how grief works. This is normal.
The only way out is through. I know, this is really, really, really hard. Of course, we want to stay in denial or numb out, especially when we feel like a hole has been cut right through our heart. However, we do need to allow ourselves to feel all the things, including the numbness. We just don’t want to get stuck there. All of our feelings about loss are so important and need our time and space. We can cry, journal, listen to music we connect with, talk to our loved ones, join a grief support group, not get out of bed some days, watch movies that make us cry, make art, eat comfort food. Even though it may not feel ‘productive’ or ‘helpful,’ all of this and more is actually us allowing ourselves to feel AND that feeling is what moves us through grief.
We carry grief with us. Some (or many?) losses we may never fully recover from. Grief often means that we’ve lost someone or something we hold very dear, and we just may not be the same as we were before. I love how Nora McInerny talks about moving forward with grief in her TED talk.
Please know you are not alone. As human beings, unfortunately, we will all experience grief in its full force and weight at different times in our lives. As HSPs, our grief will be especially powerful. It can feel utterly all-consuming, like it’s going to tear you apart from the inside and like things will never, ever be okay again. I’ve been there. Many others have been there and will be there. There is such commonality in this experience. If it feels like you’re all alone, please reach out--to a therapist, to loved ones, to a crisis line. It’s so, so hard, but you’re not alone. Others understand and care deeply. You will get through this time, and bit by bit, you’ll find your way forward.
My heart is with all of us. This is such a difficult time in modern history, and highly sensitive people are feeling it. Please rest (sleep is so important!), hydrate, eat, take down time to do what you enjoy, and get the support you need. May we all find some healing and recovery.
Take good care, dear HSPs,
Ivy
We're here for you. Just reach out if you need us.
Ivy Griffin, LMFT # 51714, Director
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
she/hers
1614 X St., Suite A
Sacramento, CA 95818
916-287-3430
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com