I’ve recently developed a new mini routine in my life, where once a week I walk from my partner’s work to mine. It’s a short walk, we get to save on gas, I get some steps in, and I find that once I arrive at work I feel ready to be present and in the flow. The other day on the radio just before my walk, I heard a classic ACDC song, Hell’s Bells, and I was instantly transported to many different places in my mind. I forgot that I actually like ACDC. It reminded me of my teenage years, of tough scenes in movies, main character energy, and general empowerment and badassery. So I decided to listen to more ACDC on my walk to work: Hells Bells, Highway to Hell, Back in Black, If You Want Blood, a song which always brings me back to the 90’s cult classic movie Empire Records. In this movie, the character Lucas gambles away a significant amount of the record store’s money to save the place from going under. Upon finding that all the money's gone the next morning, the owner Joe becomes vehemently angry with Lucas. As the day goes on, owner Joe confronts more work stressors, the pressure builds, his anger rises, and the only resolve he can find is drumming along cathartically to ACDC.
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I can’t count how many times I’ve received unsolicited commentary about my sensitivity, especially when attempting to assert a boundary or need. Historically, these comments have come from someone I had some sort of ongoing relationship with but only came up in response to my need or boundary. It’s almost as if my “sensitivity” wasn’t a problem until that very moment. Unfortunately, this experience is all too familiar to many of us. I’d like to offer a different perspective than the problem-saturated, blaming point-of-view we’re used to and hopefully create a little relief or at least clarity for readers.
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Many of the folks I have the privilege of working with struggle with the belief that being queer is ‘not normal,’ is something to hide or be ashamed of, or is flat out wrong. These messages are rooted in societal fear and apathy, and say more about the lack of collective compassion and acceptance than most anything else. These external beliefs can then form internal beliefs commonly known as internalized homophobia. What is internalized homophobia? Internalized homophobia is the negative beliefs and feelings about one's own sexual orientation that can develop as a result of societal stigma, discrimination, or negative experiences. Working through internalized homophobia can be a challenging process, but it's an important step toward self-acceptance, self-love, and living authentically as an LGBTQ+ individual. Here are some steps to help you work through it…
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Regret is an experience none of us escapes. It can be momentary or take up significant portions of our lives. For many of us, it contains feelings of grief, loss, and despair. Whatever the case, it is significant and can leave us feeling lost in the woods. How do we find our way?
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We live in a very polarized culture. In the U.S., popular discourse seems to be dominated by overly simplistic descriptions of complex situations and people. Who among us has been glad we were not the ones being called out or criticized online? Perhaps we've even participated in criticizing others for being "toxic" or some other popular term for people we despise.
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"I just want to be able to cope better." I hear it all the time. Sometimes, coping is desirable and beneficial but when is it unhealthy to "cope"?
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Being highly sensitive definitely has its ups and downs. In a culture that often devalues vulnerability, we can get the message that sensitivity is undesirable or “weak” and we should try our best to suppress it. But as I always say, there are two sides to everything. Let’s look at the other side of the coin and see if it can help us to appreciate our sensitivity.
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If we can let go of the dogma, the expectations, the institution of religion, the threat of morality etc. and can look at spirituality from the lens of “ that which we cannot see”, or curiosity, it can lead us into a world of supportive practices that are not just helpful to the soul (whether or not you believe in that sort of thing) but can also be helpful to our mental health.
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If you are reading this blog post, you likely identify as a Highly Sensitive Person. So, you know that as an HSP, you can become pretty easily overwhelmed by the world around you. Highly Sensitive People are sensitive to both environmental and emotional stimuli, which can lead to anxiety and burnout. As an HSP, boundary-setting is crucial for protecting your energy and wellbeing. It is important to say "no" when you feel overloaded, and to take time to recharge.
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In the United States and throughout many western, developed countries, we live in societies that value decisiveness, physical strength (which might also be labeled aggression), extraversion, charisma, strong opinions, individual over group needs, pushing ahead at nearly all costs (often thought of as progress), and toughness, (usually defined as not showing emotions). For sensitive souls, these values simply don’t align with who we are.
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Something I hear a lot from clients who have sought therapy, is that it took them a long time to decide to go for it. This can be for many reasons (bad past experiences in therapy, stigma around mental health, anxiety around diving into painful emotions etc.) but it is often born out of uncertainty that the issues they wish to address are actually changeable. The sense of a problem being unbeatable is often due to people logically understanding the issue they are having, but they still cannot seem to stop it. This situation leads people to ask: “What would a therapist really be able to help me with? I already know what my problem is and how it came about.”
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Harvest, shorter days, autumn, fall. When Persephone is called back to the Underworld, when we are confronted with shadows, when the earth begins to prepare for it’s winter slumber. A time of year when we are asked to confront death whether figuratively, metaphorically, symbolically or literally. Many of us associate this season with reflection and nostalgia. For some this is a comforting time, for others it can be emotionally overwhelming and even painful. Death, whether literal or symbolic represents a time of change, a significant transition in our lives, a time of loss and a time of mourning. A time of process into renewal. Inin order to be transformed by this inevitable process, we must lean in to mourn what once was and embrace what we might be becoming.
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Crying easily is something many HSPs deal with in their day-to-day life. There are times when your nerves feel raw or you feel like a water balloon and every person and situation you encounter has a pin that could cause you to burst into tears at any moment. Crying in front of others can feel quite vulnerable and many of us may have even had experiences of people reacting insensitively to our tears.
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As HSPs, we may feel as though the world is constantly acting upon us, like we have no control over anything and we’re completely overwhelmed. When we’re highly attuned to our environment and the people around us, there is a lot of information coming in on a regular basis. That’s why it is so important for people who are highly sensitive to use the tools at our disposal to create a sense of balance and satisfaction in our lives.
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A few years ago someone close to me, knowing I was a therapist, approached me hesitantly. They shared that they had been seeing a therapist for a while and noted that they felt frustrated and confused. They felt like they had been trying to make it work, but noted that it felt like therapy wasn’t working and wondered if there was something wrong with them or if they had a bad therapist.
After some discussion it became clear that part of the problem was that the therapist's theoretical orientation and the goals and personality of the person close to me didn’t align well, which is normal and can occur.
So what do you do when a therapist isn’t a good fit?
The first step is self reflection;
How many times have you met the therapist? Sometimes we can tell early on that something isn’t right for us and that’s okay, however sometimes we get so anxious that we self sabotage and find excuses as to why we should just give up on therapy. Trust your instincts,but also give your therapist a fair chance, therapists aren’t miracle workers and sometimes we need more than one session to really connect with a client.
Have you made efforts to implement skills and tools recommended and have you been honest with your therapist when they asked? If the answer is no, then it’s important to look at what stopped you from using the tools they provided (did the tools make you uncomfortable, did it feel like too much work, was it impractical for your life, et cetera) and have an honest conversation with your therapist. They may be able to tweak tools to better suit your needs, or find resources that are a better fit. Therapists aren’t mind readers if you don’t communicate with us we have to operate on incomplete information which can lead to lackluster results.
Have you tried discussing the issue with the therapist? If you have repeatedly discussed the issue with your therapist, and have made active efforts to participate and engage and you still feel like nothing is changing then it is well within your rights to look for a therapist who will be a better fit and meet your needs. However if you have never had the courage to broach the subject with your therapist then I highly recommend that you make an effort to talk with them about the issue. They may have been unaware of the issue, and able to adjust their approach to better suit your needs.
The next step is to sit down with the therapist and have an open and honest conversation about your concerns.
As long as you communicate and express yourself respectfully, a good therapist will understand if you feel that they aren’t the right fit, and they may even be able to help connect you with a therapist who is more in line with your needs, or help you better identify what kind of support you are looking for.
And remember just because a therapist wasn’t the right fit for you, doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t the right fit for someone else.
Warmly,
Megan Bell, LMFT # 114303
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
1614 X St., Suite A
Sacramento, CA, 95818
916-287-3430
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com