"You're too sensitive!" How Our Sensitivity May Be Used Against Us

I can’t count how many times I’ve received unsolicited commentary about my sensitivity, especially when attempting to assert a boundary or need. Historically, these comments have come from someone I had some sort of ongoing relationship with but only came up in response to my need or boundary. It’s almost as if my “sensitivity” wasn’t a problem until that very moment. Unfortunately, this experience is all too familiar to many HSPs. I’d like to offer a different perspective than the problem-saturated, blaming point-of-view we’re used to and hopefully create a little relief or at least clarity for readers. 

Why is my sensitivity a problem now?

As I mentioned, criticism of sensitivity often comes up in response to assertions of needs or boundaries but isn’t mentioned otherwise. This may be because others actually benefit from our sensitivity but either fail to recognize this or choose to see it only when they feel inconvenienced. Our sensitivity is part of what draws people to us – we’re good listeners, conscientious, empathetic, and can be generous and accommodating to a fault. All of these things are pretty enjoyable characteristics in a partner, friend, or family member. But some people come to expect that we only embody those traits and have no needs of our own. If this is unintentional on the other person’s part, it can benefit the relationship to point this out and move forward in a more egalitarian manner. If, however, the other person only wants a one-way relationship in which we give but never receive, it’s beneficial to clarify this and make some decisions about where you’d like the relationship to go. 

Is my sensitivity the problem?

I’ve come to understand that when people say “sensitive” in a pejorative manner, it can mean all sorts of things and it may be helpful to do some decoding in order to know how to respond. One such meaning may be “I didn’t realize you felt this way”. This may be the case when we’ve suppressed our needs or feelings to the point where we explode and the other person is caught off guard and demands to know why we’re “being so sensitive?”. To be clear, this is no excuse for using someone’s sensitivity to put them down. But if the relationship is strong otherwise, it might be worth agreeing to a time-specific cool-down period, clarifying what happened and setting some boundaries around name-calling in order to create more emotional safety in the relationship. 

There are also times when “You’re just too sensitive” means that the other person does not want to acknowledge your needs, feelings, or the impact their behavior has on you. When this is the case, you may not be able to get them to own it and instead have to rely on being honest with yourself about their limited capability to meet your needs. This doesn’t mean you need to end the relationship but it may necessitate a recalibration of how much energy you give to it. Be gentle with yourself about figuring out how to navigate these types of dynamics, wisdom is something gained over time, through experience, and with courageous and compassionate honesty with ourselves. 

The bottom line is, “sensitivity” is no more a problem than others' insensitivity. That being said, perhaps we would all benefit from agreeing we won’t attack each other personally for any reason as it demeans both people and creates an environment of hostility and fear. When we encounter these types of attacks, we can choose not to engage or we can say “I don’t like that”, “I don’t do that”, or “I’m open to hearing your feelings and needs but I won’t be demeaned”. Write out possible responses, practice them alone or with a friend or your therapist! If you need more support, don’t hesitate to reach out. 

All my best, 

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032

Thrive Therapist and Program Manager

https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda

https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/new-clients