Relationship Expectations for HSPs
Ivy Griffin
Do you find yourself ruminating on things a friend or a loved one has said or done long after the moment has passed? Do you try to “let things go” only to find the memory and the feelings of what happened resurface with more intensity? Many highly sensitive people (HSP) get the message that we’re too sensitive, causing us to question our feelings and expectations toward others. How do we know what reasonable expectations look like? Read on for 3 helpful tips for navigating relationship expectations as an HSP.
Learning your expectations
Identifying our expectations can be difficult. It can also be scary if we’ve received the message our expectations are unacceptable. But clarifying our expectations can help us improve our relationships with ourselves and others by giving us the chance to decide what we need and want our expectations to be, instead of feeling controlled by expectations that are vague or invisible. To learn your expectations, you can ask yourself about your needs and wants in different types of relationships. You can look up a list of interpersonal needs to normalize and build acceptance for your needs and expectations. You can also track your disappointments, which often indicate an unmet need, hope, or expectation.
Put yourself in their shoes
Once you have a clearer idea of what your expectation of the other person is, ask yourself, “When I’m on the receiving end of this expectation, how does it make me feel?” Sometimes, we unconsciously expect of others what was expected of us, without ever reflecting on how we felt about the expectation in the first place. For instance, if our families didn’t talk about emotions when we were growing up, we may have internalized the expectation to stay silent about our feelings and needs. Later, we may find that we experience resentment, indignation, or shock at others expressing their needs and feelings openly. This is a great opportunity to ask yourself, “How has it felt to suppress my own needs and feelings? Is this an expectation I’d like to keep or start letting go of?”
Accepting difference
One of the toughest parts of navigating expectations in relationships is understanding that just because an expectation is different, doesn’t make it wrong. If you’ve frequently received the message that you’re too sensitive, it may seem like there’s a “correct” level of sensitivity to have, but the truth is, it’s entirely subjective. It’s like taste – what’s too spicy or salty for one person’s palate, is too little for another. Similarly, what feels like a reasonable expectation to some, might feel unreasonable to another. If you find yourself questioning your expectation of a loved one, ask yourself, “What if both of your expectations were reasonable, but different? What would it look like to accept this? Would it mean you compromise and meet each other part way? Can you switch back and forth between whose expectation is prioritized?” If not, and the expectation is unworkable, explore what boundaries might need to be set in order to preserve the relationship, or if it’s time to adjust your expectations and maybe recategorize the relationship to something that requires less investment.
No matter what, please know that it is not only ok for you to have expectations of others, but healthy! Expectations help clarify our needs, wants, and boundaries so that we can show up for ourselves and each other in ways that feel fulfilling. When hurt feelings and depletion arise, these are signals to us, asking us to self-reflect and communicate with those around us. All of this increases our opportunities for deeper and more satisfying connections. If you would like support in this or any other area, please reach out!
Warmly,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032
Therapist, Program Manager, Supervisor
she/her