Reducing Stress and Anxiety with Parts Work

It’s 10:30 pm and you’re winding down for sleep. You’ve scrolled on your phone for the past 45 minutes or so, and your eyes are starting to get heavy, so you put it down, imagining you’ll drift off soon. Suddenly, you remember that thing you’ve got coming up, or that awkward moment with a coworker earlier this week, and the fact that your partner/child/cat seemed a bit distant the past few days. Your heart races, your breathing becomes shallow, and your eyelids snap open like those roll-up blinds in old cartoons. What if you forget to do something? What if they’re all mad at you? How can I tell? What are the signs? And how can I make sure everything doesn’t fall apart? Anxiety, panic, and insomnia are often linked to an overactive inner planner, predictor, or problem-solver. Read on to learn how we can work with these parts of us to reduce our distress and increase our sense of well-being.

The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, frames our internal world as similar to our external world – just like different people take different roles in a family, we have different internal parts that have different roles as well. None of these parts are bad, but they can sometimes cause distress. One category of parts are managers – planning, organizing, and attempting to anticipate things before they happen. They are the ones that pipe up during times of stress, or when we’re trying to relax, often with the tone of, “Let’s make sure we didn’t miss anything!” or “We must be prepared for anything!” In small doses, this is helpful, but as a default process that’s constantly running in the background, this can be exhausting. 

One of the ways you can work toward reducing your distress is to get to know your different parts. You can do this in a variety of ways including with a therapist or through journaling. Because many of these parts developed when we were young, we want to approach them gently and with an attitude of curiosity. As an exercise, you might try journaling a dialogue between you and your parts, almost like a movie script. Invite your parts to introduce themselves. Ask them how long they’ve been with you and what their role is. You might ask them to complete the sentence, “Without me, (this would happen).” This can help us learn what the part’s motivation is, which can also help us empathize with them. We may learn that though this part can be harsh or critical, it wants to protect you from feeling embarrassed, alone, or powerless. 

Once you’ve learned more about your part, try acknowledging its best intentions – “I can see how from day one, you’ve worked so hard to protect me from pain.” or “You were there for me when I felt alone and powerless.” You might also acknowledge that you share their desire to reduce pain where you can. See if you can also share with this part the ways that it might be inadvertently contributing to more pain. “I know that you try to anticipate things that might go wrong in order to protect me from pain, but the frequency and intensity of this anticipation can be painful as well.” You may find that this part is defensive, but it may also be shocked, not realizing the impact of its behavior. Over time, the dialogues themselves may lead to feelings of release or increased awareness and agency.  

This might sound like couples’ therapy, but with yourself, and it kind of is. Only the relationship with ourselves is happening all our lives. This can feel daunting, but it also means we can take our time. Being patient and consistent with ourselves is healing. This process may also highlight a need for support. Nonjudgmentally acknowledging our limitations, our need for support, and reaching out for help are also healing. Please let us know how we can support you to have a better relationship with all your parts!

Warmly,

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032

Therapist/Program Manager/Supervisor

she/her