How to Handle Regret
Ivy Griffin
Regret is an experience none of us escapes. It can be momentary or take up significant portions of our lives. For many of us, it contains feelings of grief, loss, and despair. Whatever the case, it is significant and can leave us feeling lost in the woods. How do we find our way?
Emotions can contain a wealth of information. They can act as guideposts, shining a light on something that needs our attention. One of the ways we can discern what our emotions are trying to teach us is by engaging in self-inquiry. Here are some questions to consider when you feel lost in regret and some reminders for healing.
Is this an invitation to accept myself more fully?
Regrets often center on real or perceived mistakes. We acted in a way that was out of alignment with our values. We were hasty in our decision-making. Sometimes regrets want us to accept that we are not perfect, that whatever it is is done and our current life is waiting for us, regardless of our decisions. "I get to live my life, even though I make mistakes."
Am I aching for self-compassion?
Regret may contain lots of "shoulds" – "I should have known better. I should've done better." Perhaps this is true but perhaps a part of us is crying out for compassion. "I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time."
Am I prioritizing what's most important?
Regrets can be reminders from our past selves about the consequences of not living in alignment with our values. "I didn't prioritize what was important to me before but now I get to."
Am I avoiding change?
Change is difficult, especially when it involves our deeply held beliefs and our sense of security. For instance, perhaps we've always believed marriage would make us happy yet we've been miserable in our marriage for years and despite attempts to improve things, things continue to get worse. We may plunge into regret over our decision to marry rather than begin the painful process of separation. "Focusing on what I could've done differently distracts me from an uncomfortable change I don't want to make."
Am I denying uncertainty?
Predictability feels safe and reassuring yet life is full of uncertainty. Sometimes we dwell in regret trying to convince ourselves we could've known how our lives would unfold when in fact, we cannot predict the future. "Accepting life's uncertainty means I must stop planning and start living."
Self inquiry is most effective when we set aside time and space to think. Even five minutes a day of quiet reflection can be helpful. Try focusing on finding meaningful answers as opposed to the "right" ones. What feels most important to you? Finally, you may benefit from the compassion and curiosity of a therapist. We don't have the answers but we can offer perspective and try to ask questions that help you connect with yourself more deeply. If you need support, please reach out.
Warmly,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032
Therapist and Program Manager
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/new-clients