3 Ways to Cope With Anxiety Without Making It Worse
Ivy Griffin
Do you find yourself getting stuck in repetitive thoughts or behaviors? Can you spiral about an interaction from the past or the future? Do you find yourself compulsively checking your phone or email, even though you’re not expecting anything in particular? You might blame anxiety or boredom, but would it surprise you to know that sometimes our coping mechanisms actually feed into anxiety?
Our coping mechanisms provide a sense of safety, control, and hope from a very young age. By the time we reach adulthood, they become so automatic that we might not even notice them, except when they cause us pain or discomfort. For instance, we may experience anxiety prior to attending social gatherings. Logically, we assume it's the social gathering itself causing us anxiety, not the fact that we long ago developed a coping mechanism in which we attempt to anticipate what will happen or, in an attempt to avoid disappointment, we tell ourselves others won't like us. In this case, it's actually the coping mechanism that's making us anxious, not the social situation alone.
In other words, our attempts at controlling or anticipating others’ thoughts, feelings, and behavior add a layer of anxiety to a situation that wasn’t there before. Sure, it’s normal to be nervous about meeting new people, but when we imagine things might go well, this nervousness turns to excitement rather than anxiety. Our attempts to control our own emotions can also result in more anxiety. For instance, we may try to anticipate every possible outcome, imagining the worst scenarios in an attempt to avoid embarrassment or disappointment, but imagining all these outcomes just increases our anxiety, and doesn’t guarantee we won’t be embarrassed or disappointed.
So what do we do instead? Luckily, our brains are flexible and can grow and change over time. Here are three ways you can reframe your struggles with anxiety, so you don’t inadvertently make it worse:
Soothe your inner helicopter parent – Our coping mechanisms are kind of like inner helicopter parents, well-intentioned, but oftentimes, not very helpful. When this is the case, we can soothe them by saying something like, “Thank you for working so hard to keep me safe. New things are scary, but I’d like to practice being kind to myself no matter what happens.” You might even ask for their help in doing so.
Plan for what you can control – Instead of trying to anticipate everything that could go wrong, plan for your self-care. No matter what happens, I will take care of myself. This might look like telling ourselves You were able to smile and wave at three people, even though you were feeling nervous. If something unexpected or unpleasant happens, you can practice a self-compassion exercise from Kristin Neff’s website.
Practice taking a different perspective – We might have developed the habit of trying to pinpoint what we did wrong to make someone behave a certain way towards us, but this often makes things worse instead of better. Instead of trying to imagine what we did wrong, we can practice imagining what other reasons might cause someone to react a certain way. They might not be feeling well, they might be struggling with their own emotions or choices, or they might just be having a crappy day. If you struggle with this, think about what you’d want others to assume if you were having an off day and got short with someone by mistake.
Part of creating more internal security is showing up consistently for the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. Like children, they need to know we’re reliable in order to trust us. Luckily, we don’t have to be perfect in the ways we show up, just consistent and kind. Even if you say to yourself, “I don’t have all the answers, but I’m here for you no matter what”, this matters to the inner child. They start to learn that support, love, and acceptance are possible even when we don’t have all the answers and even better, you don’t have to strive for perfection in order to be loved. If you’re seeking support in healing cycles of anxiety related to perfectionism and people-pleasing, please reach out.
Warmly,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT # 129032
Therapist/Supervisor/Program Manager
she/her