Attribution Bias and Your Relationship with Your Teen
Ivy Griffin
This article is based on the concepts of negative versus positive attribution bias. Attribution bias as a theory is very complex and has more nuance and depth than this post is able to cover. Instead, we will take a closer look at specifically how this phenomenon of human psychology plays itself out in relationships, specifically between parents and their teens.
Attribution bias is when our perception of a person dictates our feelings and behaviors towards them. For example, if we have a poor experience with a cashier, the next time we go to check out we may either avoid that cashier or feel frustrated before even getting to the register.
This same concept applies to our closer relationships, such as with our partners and children. If we have a string of difficult interactions with our family, we begin to naturally prepare ourselves for another fight, blow up, argument, etc. Because our family members also experience the same bias, eventually everyone is primed and ready for a fight before anyone has even said anything. If the above sounds familiar, or you notice that ‘walking on eggshell feeling’ when you’re at home, your family is likely experiencing negative attribution bias towards each other.
This can mean that if someone sends a positive message (“Your grades look good”), the other person will likely perceive the positive comment as neutral, not positive, because we are expecting something negative (snarky comments, rudeness, etc.). Neutral comments may also be perceived as negative. For example, you ask how your child’s day was and are met with “You are always in my business!” or something like that. Finally, you guessed it, anything approaching negative is taken as very negative, and this can lead to big arguments.
What can we do about this? Research tells us that for every 1 negative interaction, we need 10 positive interactions to offset it. So, we have our work cut out for us in finding authentic moments to praise and positively reward our children. Start small and consistent, finding meaningful ways to build positive interactions with your teen into your day.
Thank them for doing their expected chores
Comment on your own feelings of happiness when you are enjoying time with them
Get excited when they get a decent grade on a test or turn in their homework on time
One note to be aware of, is to avoid adding any additional comments that could turn the communication neutral or negative, such as “Thanks for being helpful! Why can’t you take out the trash like that all the time?” Stick with the first part and go about your day. It will avoid turning the comment into an argument, and if there is a negative attribution bias from your child, the comment can leave them feeling neutral or negative, which is what we’re trying to avoid.
Finally, remember that changing how you talk to your family is going to feel a little uncomfortable and awkward at first. It may be difficult to praise your teen after conflict. Give yourself space to calm down prior to trying the above so it will feel genuine to you and your child.
Best wishes to you all,
Ben
Ben Friday, LMFT #122263
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com
916-287-3430
hello@thrivetherapyandcounseling.com