Teens & Grief
Ivy Griffin
We all experience grief at different points in our lives and in various layers and complexities. When a loved one dies, there’s the obvious gut-wrenching grief that can feel all-consuming. If we move away, there’s the loss of proximity to friends and the community we’ve built plus the loss of the familiar - our home, routines, places we frequent - that can all bring grief, even if it arrives in conjunction with excitement and hope for the future. We also feel grief when relationships end, whether it’s a friendship that comes to a close or a break-up of a romantic relationship, all those same waves of denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, and acceptance may come up again and again as we adjust to how life is different and what we miss about that relationship.
Teens, of course, are not immune to this human experience of grief. Over the course of adolescence, it’s likely that some friendships will end or change - sometimes with a lot of tumult, that a teen may experience their first heartbreak, or even that a pet, grandparent, or other loved one may pass away.
And, BOOM - there is the weight of grief.
So, how can we support a teen we care about through this difficult time?
Remember that teens feel emotions very strongly. Because of all the growth and change happening in a teenager’s brain, they experience a heightened intensity of emotions and more emotional reactivity. This might mean you see more angry outbursts out of nowhere or sudden bouts of sadness or crying when it may not seem to make sense. Just know that this may be part of your teen’s experience of grief and offer support or space.
Try not to get worried or angry if your teen seems to be in denial and feeling numb or apathetic. The waves of denial in grief are sometimes the hardest to witness in others because it can look like they don’t care. However, this experience of denial is a legitimate component of grief. Try to remember that it will ebb and flow, just like all emotions when we’re grieving.
Keep in mind that teens are very of-the-moment. They may look happy and be laughing one minute, and the next be bursting into tears. They may say they’re fine and legitimately seem okay one hour and then be a raging ball of anger the next. To them, however they’re feeling in the present moment is TRUTH, and they can quickly forget that they’ve felt differently before. It can also be hard for them to believe that they’ll ever feel better again. This is where some gentle reassurance that it will get easier is helpful, while also giving them space for how they feel now.
Please don’t expect your teen’s grief to look like yours. This is especially true if you are both experiencing loss. If there’s been a death, your teen’s relationship with this person or animal was different than yours, and they’ll experience different variations of loss. The same is true if there’s been a big life change that you’re both going through like a move. Plus, your teen is a unique person with their own personality, as you well know. Their grief will be their own. Please allow for this, and try not to create any expectations or make any judgments about how they should grieve.
Offer an open invitation to talk. But, don’t pressure. Let your teen know that you see what a tough time this is, and you’re here for them if they want to talk or want support. Then, really try to sit back without pressuring, and let them come to you if they want to. If you are also grieving, there’s a good chance your teen may not want to burden you with their own feelings. It may not seem like your teen is really thinking about this, but often they are. So, it can help to gently encourage your kid to try therapy, so that they can have a space all their own to process what they’re going through.
As humans, we have a huge range in how we experience and cope with grief. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. The best we can do is try to be kind and gentle with ourselves and our loved ones. It’s hard for all of us, but supporting one another definitely helps. And, if you or your teen are struggling with grief, we’re here for you too.
Take good care,
Ivy
Ivy Griffin, LMFT # 51714, Director
she/her
Thrive Therapy & Counseling