Put Down That Phone!
Ivy Griffin
“Please put your phone down, and look at me!” “You’re gonna walk into something if you keep staring at your phone like that!” “Believe me, you are not going to die if you don’t have wifi all weekend.”
Any of these sound familiar? Have you found yourself saying similar things to your own teen? It’s such a common challenge. How do we help our kids appreciate technology without becoming all consumed by it? We live in this world of constant connectivity to our devices, and it can be hard for all of us to put the phone down and slowly back away. This is especially true for our teens, since they’re digital natives. They truly don’t know what life was like when you couldn’t just google everything, text a friend, or watch a youtube video to learn what to do.
And, it doesn’t help that kids keep getting devices at younger and younger ages--most kids now have their first smartphone by age 10! Of course, there are good reasons like you need your kid to stay in touch, it makes life easier when they can text you and tell you when they’re ready to be picked up, it helps you feel safer knowing that your kid is always in reach. Smartphones are the norm. Hand a kid a flip phone with buttons, and they’re lost.
Because kids and teens are expecting their own screens at younger and younger ages, it’s especially important to teach, model, and guide them in setting limits about how and when they use those devices. What they learn from you now can help them throughout their lives.
Here are some great tips to get started:
Implement times when everyone puts their phone or device away. If your family’s able to sit down for a meal together, have a family meeting or a family game night, those are excellent chances to practice having each family member put their phone out of reach. (Sorry, parents, this goes for you too!) These precious times are an opportunity to reconnect with each other, and devices can be really irritating or distracting. By modeling to your kids that you too can separate yourself from your device, you’re teaching them that it’s okay and healthy to not always be staring at a screen, whether they would ever admit to it or not. Putting devices away also sends a nonverbal message that each person in your family is important enough to have your full attention.
Schedule a nighttime routine of everyone giving you their device(s) by at least 30 minutes before bed. I know, teens will hate this! I get it. I certainly remember being 16 and sneaking phone calls that went into the wee hours . . . and then being exhausted at school the next day. It’s normal for teens to want to connect with their friends and girl/boyfriends all the time, AND it’s still not good for them. The blue light from phones and devices actually makes our brain think it’s daytime, so our brain tries to ‘wake up!’--the exact opposite of how to prepare to get a good nights’ rest. Although your teen may want to be constantly in touch with their friends, it’s also good for them to take breaks. They may not want or be able to say ‘no’ or stop responding to their friends on their own, so you taking their device is a good excuse. They can save face with their friends and blame you for not responding yet to their latest Snap AND still get much needed time to disconnect.
Having times without screens teaches your teen there is more to life. When your family can laugh or play or have a great conversation together, it’s really positive and enjoyable for everyone. Moments like these help teach kids the value and importance of face-to-face connection and of being fully present in what’s happening right now. In a world where the rates of anxiety and loneliness are increasing due to social isolation and emotional disconnection, knowing and experiencing the importance of real, genuine relationships is key.
Talk to your teen about why it’s important to take breaks from devices. Teens are developing their ability to think abstractly, and they really, really like to know the whys of things. So, tell them about how their brains get a little hit of the neurotransmitter, dopamine, every time they get a notification on their device. The pleasure center in their brains gets activated with this dopamine release in a similar way to when people get addicted to drugs. It feels great in the moment, but over time, their brains crave more and more hits of dopamine from getting a new notification. This can cause their brains to feel more of a “crash” when they don’t get all the likes or the new Snap they wanted, and it can mean they don’t feel as much enjoyment from other activities like laughing with their friends or competing in their swim matches. Teens’ brains are especially sensitive to these changes in dopamine because teens naturally crave intensity and new experiences as their brains are growing tremendously during adolescence. Taking breaks from technology can help interrupt these addictive patterns.
There’s so much we don’t yet know about how technology will change us as a society and about how all this screen time affects us as individuals. However, we do know that stepping away from devices, practicing mindfulness, and engaging fully in relationships and memorable experiences are good for all of us. You can set some guidelines at home to model this to your teen, and you can help them experience firsthand how good life can be sans a screen.
However, what’s tough with smartphones, tablets, and other devices is that it also gives kids and teens their own personal path to the internet and anything that can be found there, including all that stuff you don’t want them to see or experience like cyber bullying, porn, online predators. Setting up restrictions and parental controls are great, but it also really helps to have family practices about using devices.
If you find you’re needing more support as a parent and as a person, please reach out for support.
Warmly,
Ivy Griffin, LMFT# #51714
Therapist and Program Director
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ivy-griffin
916-287-3430