How to motivate your teen
Ivy Griffin
Do you see your teen lounging around--eyes glued to their phone constantly--and worry about what kind of adult they’re going to become? You might be frustrated with your kid’s low energy , with their ability to sleep 17 hours a day, or with how you have to tell them 8 times to unload the dishwasher, and you wonder when they’ll finally get it together.
Uh huh, I hear this from a lot of parents. You love your kid and want the best for them, and naturally, you worry when you see your teen moving closer toward adulthood and still acting so . . . childish.
You also know that nagging, pleading, screaming, and cajoling don’t work very well either--not to mention how unhappy they make you and your whole family. So, what else can you do?
Find out what your teen cares about. Your first thought might be nothing. Or, their phone, their friends, and not much else. The interesting thing is--adolescent brains are actually developing to creatively and energetically focus on their passions. The difficulty is that the rote tedium of school, homework, chores, and daily routines do not excite most teens. In fact, much of how our system is set-up drains the care and energy right out of teenagers (and often adults too). However, I have yet to meet a teen who didn’t have passion in some area, whether that be music, environmentalism, art, travel, starting a new extracurricular club, learning all they can about a particular topic, being a supportive friend and so on. The catch is that your teen may not value the same things that you value, and that’s perfectly okay. (As a reminder, their brains still have a TON of developing to do, so you can also reassure yourself that these passions may change as they grow and mature.) Whether you and your teen have the same interests or not, your teen will really benefit from you showing that you’re interested in and curious about what they care about. And, the best way to do this is to just ask and then really listen.
Support your teen in exploring their interests. If your teen’s been feeling depressed, stressed, or overwhelmed and you aren’t sure what they care about or if they just haven’t found their passions yet, that’s okay. Just get curious with them. Explore learning about new things together, or try some different activities—maybe watch a documentary or do an online tour of a museum or go for a bike ride. Give your teen space to like or completely dislike the activity, and try your best not to take their reactions personally. Try to focus on your own enjoyment of the activity, and let your teen express and manage their own emotions about it. This is also good practice at letting them grow into their own person with their own thoughts and feelings.
Read, watch, listen, and discuss current events and interesting issues as a family. Share about a TED talk you saw or an interesting podcast you listened to. Have conversations with your kid about issues in the adult world. Teens often light up when having a discussion about more serious topics, especially when adults are curious about their take on the subject. This practice helps develop your teen’s ability to think abstractly and taps into adolescents’ natural curiosity, all while giving you and your teen the opportunity to become closer.
Practice negotiation. Talk to your kid about why certain rules exist, your rationale for your decisions, and allow them to negotiate. The developing brain of teenagers craves knowing the “why” behind things. Teens naturally start thinking more abstractly and questioning what they see around them. This is part of growing into a well-functioning adult. Frustrating (perhaps even maddening) though it can be at times, try to honestly answer your teen’s questions, dialogue with them about their thoughts, and let them make their argument. If you think they have a solid rationale or you understand their point, negotiate about some logistics. Of course, you are always the final judge. Involving your teen in the process not only helps get their buy-in but also helps them feel more empowered, supports their development as a healthy human being, improves their communication skills, and lets them know that their passions, values, interests, and concerns matter to you. All things we want, right?
Basically, we all feel better when our lives have meaning and purpose. Teens can feel really stuck with uncertainty about the future and major societal problems. However, we’re happier and healthier when we make time to focus on what we care about.
This kind of values-driven living enhances us as people. Developmentally, teens are wired to become bored easily, but they’re also wired to think and feel passionately. And, they tend to have creative ways of looking at the world. Help them tap into that. Give them space for life to move beyond the boredom into what sparks their interest, and I bet you’ll see more of that energy and motivation you’ve been hoping for.
Good luck!
Ivy
PS--Worried your teen is stuck in their depression or stress or just need some help for your family? We’ve got you covered.
Ivy Griffin, LMFT # 51714, Director
she/her
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
916-287-3430