Balancing Leniency and Strictness
Ivy Griffin
I don’t have to tell you that being a parent or support person to a teen is HARD work! Teens are in such a unique stage developmentally--not quite an adult but not quite a child either (although you may beg to disagree at times ;) ). They’re developing the capacity to question, explore, and generate their own ideas and beliefs about the world while their growing brains can cause them to crave intensity (loud music, new experiences) and be highly emotional and impulsive. It can be a tricky combination!
A question I hear a lot from parents in the therapy room is, “Where do I draw the line?” Some things may be clear, but there’s a lot of nuance. Do I limit their screen time, and if so, how without starting WWIII? Do I monitor their social media? How much should I watch over their grades and hound them about homework, or do I let them face the consequences for themselves? What’s acceptable for them to wear, and should I dictate clothing choices? Is any alcohol or drug use okay? What about sex?
Whew, there’s a lot to consider! And, every teen, parent, support person, and family is different, so of course, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Whether you’re digging into academics or substance use, here are some general Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) guidelines to help you balance leniency and rule-setting:
Start with the foundation. Like any relationship, it really is key to begin by building a positive connection with your teen. Yes, you’re the parent, and you get to have the final word. However, your kid will listen more and be more likely to respect and follow those rules you set if you have built a strong foundation. What does this look like?
Spend quality time together doing something fun, and DON’T talk about problems during this time. Get ice cream, go for a bike ride, play a game, watch and discuss their fav YouTube video. Ask your teen what they’d like to do with you. Then, once a week or every couple weeks (even if it’s for just 10 minutes), have some fun together.
On a regular basis, ask your teen questions about themselves. It can help to get away from the “how was school today?” to something more unique like, “What was something that surprised you today?” or “What’s going well? What sucks right now?” to “What made you laugh today?” Some days you may get answers, and others you may get shrugs or even eye rolls. It’s okay; let your kid respond however they respond. (Not pushing them also builds trust.) Asking is the important part--it shows them that you’re curious and interested in the inner workings of their life and can help them open up to you when they need to.
Identify what behaviors you’d like to see in your teen. Praise the heck outta them any time you see them moving in that direction. Most of us like to receive praise. It feels really good when we’re acknowledged for what we’re doing well. Try to practice this with your teen too, even if it’s a, “Thanks for putting your socks in the hamper! I really appreciate when you help clean up.” when you’re also thinking it’d be even nicer if they’d actually pick up all their dirty clothes every day. (Bite your tongue on that second part!) Often, putting more energy into anything positive that your kid does is a better way to reinforce the behavior you want, instead of lecturing them about what they’re doing wrong.
Discuss rules as a family, but focus on one topic at a time. Want to implement a new practice or review or tweak a current rule? Sit down and talk about it all together.
Explain a bit about why you want to make this change. (Teens usually appreciate understanding the reasons behind our decisions.) Ask each family member what they think, and allow them to honestly express their thoughts or feelings about it. It’s okay if they say something, and you think, “No way in hell!”
Try to really listen to what they have to say anyway. Nodding and being curious helps. You might even pretend like you’re at work, and a colleague just said something ludicrous. You probably wouldn’t interrupt your colleague to tell them they’re being ridiculous. Instead, you’d likely strategize about how to respond. Try to do the same with your kids. At the end of the day, you DO get to have the final word, but talking with your family about it might offer some new ideas or perspectives. And, it can help get buy-in from all family members.
Only focus on one thing at a time because this discussion takes time. If you have a whole list to cover, people are probably going to get bored, annoyed, or tune out real quick.
Involve your teen in the discussion about what the consequences are for NOT following the rules. As part of the family discussion, ask everyone’s thoughts on what the consequences should be. You might even be surprised by their answers. Most kids and teens understand that there are consequences for negative choices, especially since this gets reinforced at school. Again, you might get some new ideas, and the act of letting everyone’s thoughts be heard models respect. You still get to be the ultimate decider, but these conversations help create more of a sense of a democracy than a dictatorship. And, teens usually appreciate that.
Rinse and repeat.
Hope this helps give you some more direction for those tricky topics! As always, if you get stuck or want some more support for your teen, yourself, or your family, we’re here for you.
Warmly,
Ivy Griffin LMFT#51714
Therapist and Director
Thrive Therapy and Counseling
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ivy-griffin