How to help your teen think beyond themselves
Ivy Griffin
Yes, it’s true--adolescence can be a time of self-centeredness. Developmentally, teens are wired to pull away from their families and gravitate toward their friends and peers, as they prepare to launch out into the world on their own. Biologically, this also makes sense because as human beings, we are social creatures and need other people to survive. So, if the family is no longer the primary source of support, friends and peers become exceedingly important, which then makes teens very self-conscious and focused on themselves to accomplish this significant developmental task.
On top of this, teens are developing abstract thinking and figuring out their identities, which can also make them very self-focused and can lead them to act like, and maybe even believe, the world revolves around them. Additionally, their adolescent egocentrism makes teens think that everything they do is under intense scrutiny by peers at all times (which is exacerbated by being constantly connected via social media), and this concern leads them to focus intently on themselves.
All of this is to say--there are biological reasons why teens become so fixated on themselves, AND it can be frustrating and exhausting and annoying to deal with the self-centeredness created by their changing teenage brains.
As parents and mentors, what can we do to help teens NOT just think about themselves?
Ask questions to prompt them to consider other peoples’ experiences and points of view. This thoughtful consideration of what it’s like to be in another person’s shoes helps build empathy, which helps decrease self-centeredness and increase caring. If your teen is complaining about how unfair it was that their history teacher was in a horrible mood and took it out on the class by assigning extra work, you could validate their frustration (which will help them feel heard), and then ask (in a non-judgmental way because if your teen thinks you’re placing blame on them, they will stop listening), “Hmm, what do you think might have put your history teacher in such a bad mood?” Or, for another example, when driving past a homeless person, you comment, “Sometimes I wonder what a homeless person’s story is. What do you think are some factors that might contribute to someone becoming homeless?”
Use teens’ passion to motivate action. Helping your teen increase their empathy for others can be a great catalyst for getting them involved in volunteer work or community service. Teens’ developing brains cause them to feel emotions very strongly (as we know :) ) and to be very passionate about what they care about. If your questions and conversations help your teen get interested in homeless issues or stray animals or helping kids learn to read, etc., then encourage and help them take that next step to find a great volunteer opportunity where they can put their passion into doing good work that gives back to others.
Share more about your own feelings. Teens have the ability to begin exploring and understanding the complexities of the world, and they often really appreciate honesty and genuineness. If you have an awful day at work and are upset about how your boss treated you, it’s okay to share this with your teen. You wouldn’t want to lean on them for emotional support, but you could explain how you’re feeling and let them know it would really help you if they did their chores/homework/cleaned up the kitchen, etc. tonight without you needing to say more. Or, if your teen makes a mean or hurtful comment to you, you can say, “Ouch, that really hurts my feelings” or “wow, that stings.” This helps build your teen’s understanding that you’re a human too and that we all have feelings and can use some help.
Model showing concern and compassion for others and for big-picture issues. You can comment on your empathy for a friend having a tough time like, “My heart really goes out to _____ because ______.” Your family can have conversations about world problems or news stories, and discuss how the issue impacts people. You can also get the whole family involved in doing a river clean-up day, volunteering at a food bank, or donating blood to help give back to the community together. Any activity like these helps build perspective and gets everyone out of only focusing on their own life and problems.
Even though their brains will still have teens hyper-focused on themselves, the teen years can also be a time to tap into great passion, creativity, and energy. With some gentle nudging and encouragement, you can help your teen build their empathy, gain perspective, and see beyond themselves.
All the best,
Ivy
Ivy Griffin, LMFT # 51714, Director
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
1614 X St., Suite A
Sacramento, CA 95818
916-287-3430
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com
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