How to say no
Ivy Griffin
I was at a holiday party recently with a white elephant gift exchange, and I saw the perfect gift for highly sensitive people (HSPs)--a giant red button with the word ‘no’ on it. When you pressed the button, it might say, ‘nope’ or ‘no, no, no, no, no!’ And I thought how amazing it would be for HSPs to be able to push a button that could set boundaries for them, instead of having to wade through all the guilt and worry and anguish around saying no.
I see how real the struggle is for sensitive souls around setting those boundaries to protect our needs because we also caring deeply about others‘ needs, and as human beings, one person’s needs are often at odds with another person’s. I know how HSPs often want to say no or decline an invitation, but out of concern for someone else or from a place of not knowing how to gracefully get out of a situation, we end up saying yes or going along with some thing we do not want.
While it’s no big red button, here are some different ways to say no. You might review them, see which ones resonate with you, add some of your own, and write them down or practice or make a mental note for the next time you’re in need of a button to press.
No, thank you.
I’d really love to, but I can’t.
I wish I could help out, but I have too much going on right now.
I really appreciate you thinking of me, but it just won’t work for me.
I really care about you, but I can’t do that.
My schedule is so hectic/full, I just can’t fit anything else in. (Yes, you can say this even if someone else wouldn’t think your schedule was so full. You get to decide your limits, even if those are different from other people.)
I’m sorry, I won’t be able to make it. Please let me know for next time!
If I take this on, I’m going to need to let something else go (or de-prioritize something else). (If this is a conversation with your boss or an authority figure, you can then ask them what they would like you to de-prioritize.)
Thank you so much for the opportunity, but I’m going to have to pass.
I really need some ‘me’ time tonight.
Could you please do ___________? I’m feeling really stressed and could use a break.
Silence (Remember, in those moments when someone is looking for a volunteer, you can simply not offer . . . even if no one else is offering . . . even if it’s something you know you’d be good at. You don’t have to take on everything, and you don’t have to fix it all. You can let others figure out their own answers.)
It won’t work for me this time.
RSVP that you can’t attend.
I’m booked for something else already. Hope you have a great time!
Whew, I’m slammed right now. Otherwise, I’d love to!
I really wish I had a clone!
I’m so sorry, but I’m going to have to bow out.
While these statements won’t take away the guilt and worry you may feel, they are a tool to help you protect your precious energy and focus on your self-care. If you are having strong feelings of guilt, remind yourself what you would say to a good friend or loved one if they were in your shoes. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t pressure them or tell them that they had to do this. Instead, you’d probably gently encourage them to do what they need to do for themselves.
The same applies to you, dear sensitive one. Please know you can’t do it all, and that’s perfectly OK. No one can. You owe it to yourself to take care of and honor your time and energy. Plus, if all else fails, remember the red button, and just say no!
Good luck out there!
Ivy
Ivy Griffin, LMFT # 51714, HSP Coach, Director
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
1614 X St., Suite A
Sacramento, CA 95818
916-287-3430
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com
Need some more support? Just reach out!