Realizing You Might Be "Goldilocks"
Ivy Griffin
At times in life we are all faced with uncomfortable realizations about ourselves and how we actually come across to other people. Realizing you might be in a Goldilocks phase is one of those realizations. Most of us have heard the story of “Goldilocks and the Three Bears,” and the origin stems from that story. A “Goldilocks” tends to complain and quickly dismisses any input or attempts at support, immediately justifies reasons as to why something won’t work, and often feels that nobody understands. This can be incredibly frustrating for us and the people we interact with, and can take an emotional toll on our relationships after a while. So what can we do if we realize we have entered a Goldilocks phase?
One of the first things we can do is practice mindful awareness around the cues the person we are talking to is sending. Are they continually changing the subject whenever we bring the issue up, do they initially engage in the conversation but slowly become less responsive as it goes on, do they seem annoyed or frustrated, is their body language closing off? If this is the case, they may be experiencing support person fatigue. When our support people become fatigued, it may be because they have heard us cycling over the same points, they offer suggestions, and are feeling burnt out when they see little change to the matter. When we practice mindfulness and pick up on such cues, it grants us the opportunity to adjust our approach or to check in with our support person and their needs.
The next thing we can do when seeking support is to establish for your support person at the top of the conversation what you actually need (“I just need to vent, I just need you to listen”). This is important because it sets the expectation for both parties and your needs have a better chance of being met. When we don’t establish what we need at the top of the conversation people often instinctually offer solution-focused support making suggestions or recommendations. This often leaves us unsatisfied if we were simply looking for acknowledgment and validation of our feelings and experiences and actually increases the odds we will bring the subject up again which creates more feelings of frustration for both parties.
Remember you're not alone, all of us have experienced this at some point in our lives, especially when we get stuck in a ruminating cycle. With a little mindfulness and consideration we can break out of the rumination, connect better with our supports, and begin seeing the world again from a more balanced perspective. If however you are realizing that the Goldilocks phase is persisting for you and that your rumination is taking a significant toll on you and your support system it may be helpful to consider therapy.
With warm regards,
Megan Bell, LMFT # 114303
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
2131 Capitol Ave, Suite 306
Sacramento, CA, 95816