Getting More Out of Your Down-Time
Ivy Griffin
“I feel like I don’t do enough to be as tired as I am”. “I did nothing all weekend and I’m still exhausted!” “Why do I need so much rest?” Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Many people are frustrated and confused by how depleted they continue to feel after down-time. They want to feel more energized and refreshed but can’t seem to get the restorative rest they need. Let’s look at why that might be!
You’re on “standby” mode: You know how you can put your computer on standby mode and it doesn’t fully shut down? That’s kind of what happens when we’ve taken physical space from others but continue to remain alert and available to respond to their needs. This might look like relaxing at a park but immediately responding to a text from your partner reminding you to pick something up from the store before you return home. Staying mentally alert and available to others drains our energy. Turning off notifications or our devices, or spending time away from them can stop the energy drain of remaining constantly alert and available.
You’re numbing difficult emotions rather than learning to manage them: We often expect difficult or uncomfortable emotions to turn off or go away, but this is a recipe for disappointment. Emotions are natural responses to stimuli just like physical pain is a response to illness, injury, or tight muscles. The best way to ease pain is to identify the source and address it. When we use technology, substances, food, or certain activities to numb out during our down-time, we’re just detaching from our experience of painful emotions, not addressing their cause. Because we’re not healing our emotional wounds, our painful emotions will inevitably return. Instead of binge-watching shows on your favorite streaming platform, try journaling a compassionate response to your inner critic or practice reassuring your worried inner voices.
You shame yourself about resting: Many of us have inner voices that reprimand us for taking down-time. We are told “You’re lazy!” or “You’re irresponsible!” or “You’re such a loser, you’re not even capable of washing your dishes!” This harsh condemnation may lead us to ignore our need for rest in an attempt to prove the voices wrong. Naturally, our need for rest builds and we end up feeling even more tired than if we would’ve given ourselves the rest we needed sooner. We then pile more shame on ourselves and continue to feel exhausted. The next time those harsh voices pipe up, close your eyes, put your hand over your heart, breathe slowly and deeply, and say something like “Resting does not mean I’m lazy or irresponsible, it means I’m human. Resting when I need it is a way I take responsibility for myself.”
Being more intentional about our down-time is difficult – that’s one of the reasons we may be tempted to numb out and shame ourselves about needing rest but this won’t make things better and may even exacerbate the problem. Increasing our intentionality may also require outside help. Speaking with a therapist can help us to identify unhelpful patterns, formulate ideas about how to address them, and hold ourselves accountable. If you’d like support with any of this, please reach out.
Warmly,
Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT #129032
Therapist and Program Manager
https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda
916-287-3430