Self-Love is a Practice

Have you ever thought "why is it so hard to love myself?" Many of us find it easier to demonstrate our love for others than love for ourselves. But why? What is it about loving ourselves that makes it so difficult?

We rarely see our private thoughts and behaviors as part of a relationship. We tend to view them as just "what is" or "reality". But we may notice that when we change certain thoughts and behaviors, we feel different. For instance, we commit to spending time every day thinking of things we're grateful for and we notice that over time, our mood lifts or we bounce back from adversity more quickly. This is in part because we've changed the way we relate to the world and ourselves.

When we began taking stock of what we were grateful for, it changed our internal dialogue -- the running commentary we have in our heads. We're often unaware of the way we talk to ourselves which is why it can be hard to answer your therapist when they ask you "What do you tell yourself about xyz?" With a bit of exploration, we might learn that we regularly think about what we did wrong or what could go wrong which causes us to feel worried and depressed. Can you imagine having a person following you around ALL DAY criticizing everything you do? You probably wouldn't want to be around them very much. Well, that's part of why we can feel frustration and unease when we're alone -- that critical person is in our heads!

This might help us to understand why we sometimes want to disconnect from ourselves by using food, substances, the internet, etc. -- they quiet the harsh inner critic for a little while. But while we can ignore others by shutting off our phone and staying away from them, we must live with ourselves every day and regularly attempting to silence our internalized voices via the methods mentioned earlier can be harmful (i.e. self-harm/neglect, addiction).

Many of us know the pain of being ignored and the relief that comes when someone finally listens to us. It is possible to both listen to AND respond to ourselves in a loving way. But how? Like most relationships, our relationship with ourselves is a practice. Ever have the experience of knowing a partner, friend, or family member cares for you but they have trouble showing it? Well we have to show ourselves we care too – every day. Here are just some of the ways we can do this.

1. Journal -- Like it or not, journaling is one of the ways we listen to ourselves. Don't like writing? Use the voice function on your phone to type notes. Make songs or poetry. Imagine you're listening to a good friend who just needs to vent without judgment.

2. Speak to yourself kindly -- Find ways to talk to yourself. You can do it out loud, write notes to yourself that you hide and find later, set reminders in your phone or schedule an email to yourself 2 weeks from now that contains encouragement, empathy, or insights you had and don't want to forget. Again, if it helps, imagine you're writing to a friend.

3. Ask yourself "How are you doing?" and "What do you need?" on a regular basis. These are key questions to ask in any relationship, not the least of which is the relationship with yourself. To start, set a reminder to check in with yourself once or twice a day (e.g. at breakfast, when you wake or go to sleep, etc.).

Remember, telling someone you love them once and expecting them to remember does NOT usually work out. Love is a practice. Our relationship with ourselves takes just as much effort and commitment as our relationships with others. And while this can be challenging, the payoff is huge. Need help improving the relationship with yourself? Show yourself some love and reach out.

Warmly,

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT#129032

Therapist & Program Manager

https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda

916-287-3430