When Relaxation feels triggering: Hypervigilance and CEN

“I want to relax but I feel constantly anxious, like the other shoe is about to drop.”

Hypervigilance can be draining and painful and sometimes makes us feel hopeless. We long for respite from the constant physical tension and the marathon of thoughts running through our heads. How do we swap our experiences of frequent anxiety and fleeting calm for more frequent calm and fleeting anxiety?

Hypervigilance can develop as a response to frequent and/or sustained feelings of threat or danger. This may be caused by events we typically think of as traumatic – witnessing or experiencing threat to life such as an assault, accident, or natural disaster – but it can also be caused by inconsistency in our childhood environment. We learn to self-regulate through consistent responses to our physical and emotional needs from our caregivers. While these responses can vary widely, they most often involve some sort of acknowledgment of our signals for attention (most often, crying) and response to our needs (feeding, changing, physical affection, play). If, for any number of reasons, our caregivers were unable to respond to these needs consistently, we became overwhelmed. Unable to cope another way, we might have started policing our bodies, minds, and environments for anything deemed “too much” – this is a type of hypervigilance which can result in high levels of physical and mental tension. 

People for whom this sounds familiar have found much validation learning about childhood emotional neglect (CEN). CEN is not a diagnosis but a description of an experience common to many people in which their emotional needs are not consistently met in childhood, resulting in increased emotional distress and/or detachment, difficulty identifying and responding to their needs, and difficulties in relationships. As you might have guessed, CEN is complex as are the situations that lead to it, so addressing the difficulties it gives rise to can be equally complex. Nevertheless, here are some starting points for addressing hypervigilance connected with CEN. 

Identify Your Triggers

It can be difficult for individuals who have experienced CEN to identify their triggers because they might have learned to detach or ignore their feelings and needs. A useful first step might be to start noticing spikes in bodily tension or other physical manifestations of anxiety. To practice, scan your body from head to toe once a day, noticing any areas that feel tighter than the rest. Once you’ve gotten better at recognizing the physical manifestations of anxiety, take note of what is happening in your external or internal environment when these feelings arise. You might come to find out that you are triggered by having an “unacceptable” need or emotion like sadness or anger, or you may be triggered by trying something new. 

Identify the Rules

Once you’ve identified your triggers, you will need to disrupt your typical response. This involves learning the rules you developed for policing your body, mind, and environment. They might be things like, “Your bodily needs are ‘too much’, so you must ignore or punish yourself for having them unless you want to be rejected or abandoned” or “Anger is unacceptable, so you must ignore or punish yourself for feeling this unless you want to be rejected or abandoned” or “I can’t handle others’ anger so I must avoid it at all costs.” 

Change Your Typical Response

Once you’ve identified your triggers and rules, you can further disrupt your usual process by responding differently than you typically do. The magnitude of effort we have to put into enacting this step may be a sign both of its importance and the magnitude of change we hope to achieve. Here are some guidelines for responding to your needs and feelings: 

• Acknowledge your feelings and needs without judgment, just state the facts: “You’re feeling really embarrassed right now.”

• Improve your internal connection with warmth: “Thank you for telling me.”

• Emphasize your humanity: “You couldn’t have anticipated this outcome/it seemed like you were trying really hard/this feeling is really intense.”

• Emphasize your support: “I’m with you/take as long as you need/I’m not going anywhere.”

• If a further response is needed, you can dialogue with yourself about what that might be. 

The more consistent you are with your responses, your hypervigilance will realize it doesn’t have to constantly be on watch, that it’s okay to relax. I will also add that being nonjudgmental towards ourselves goes even further in fostering an inner spaciousness in which we can let go of hypervigilance and instead focus on what’s deeply meaningful to us. Our wounded inner child needs time to see that we can be relied upon to be responsive. This means we must be committed and consistent. If you would like support with this process, please reach out. 

Warmly, 

Ileana Arganda-Stevens, LMFT# 129032

Thrive Therapist and Program Manager

https://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/ileana-arganda