Letting Go of the Compulsory "I'm Sorry"
Ivy Griffin
“Calm down.”
“You’re too sensitive!”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
These sentiments are likely all too familiar to the highly sensitive person, and in particular the highly sensitive child. Growing up, I recall countless teary eyed instances of fighting - with little success - to try to restrain the expression of my emotions, only to be met with judgment and criticism from adults and fellow children alike. Often HSPs grow up to absorb these messages and take them on as our own, which can lead to the belief that we, and our feelings are, inherently “too much”. This can lead to self-blame and guilt, and the adoption of an almost default state of apologetic being. Even if logically we now know that sensitivity is not shameful and is even in many ways a strength, letting go of these internalized ideas can be difficult. Accepting one’s sensitivity can be a slow process, but here are a few ways to start.
Shift away from apology and into gratitude and appreciation. For example, instead of rushing to say “I’m sorry” when showing up to a meeting a few minutes late, try saying “Thank you for your patience”. This not only gives one a bit of reasonable grace for a mishap that is ultimately quite minor, but also gives others the opportunity to feel good about themselves for waiting just those few extra minutes! This tenant works equally well for emotional matters as well, like thanking someone for their support and listening when we might worry that our feelings are taking up too much space.
Another way of helping move through moments when that internalized “too-much-ness” rears its head is to practice verbally acknowledging sensitivity in the moment. I personally like to even throw a little bit of humor into this, because sometimes even *I* know that my emotional reaction may not match whatever incident caused it. I once exclaimed to my partner, in a silly voice, “I’M feeling BUTTHURT!” when my ego was damaged by a jovially teasing comment (you don’t have to use that exact phrase, of course, but it definitely lightened the mood for us in that moment!). It can also just be of benefit to share with our close ones if/when we are feeling more tender than usual and may need a bit more gentleness.
One more way to challenge the compulsory “I’m sorry”, particularly if it shows up in the form of fearing rejection, is to trust others’ limits. Worrying that we are more than our loved ones can handle risks usurping their own agency and autonomy in expressing their own boundaries and deciding for themselves if they need to step away. We don’t get to decide what other peoples’ boundaries are! We don’t have to understand or agree with someone else’s choice in holding space for us, but we do need to respect it.
We - and ALL of our feelings! - are OK, and we are doing just fine!
Take care,
Leigh Johnson, AMFT #117551
they/them, he/him
Supervised by Supervised by Alexandra Garton. LMFT #84263
http://thrivetherapyandcounseling.com/leigh-johnson