If you're worried your teen might hurt themselves

The teenage years can be a roller coaster for teens and parents alike. The surge of hormones and changes in body chemistry can cause teens’ moods to fluctuate from calm to sad to irate in a matter of minutes, which can leave everyone--your teen included--feeling overwhelmed and baffled. Add these ups and downs to the impulsivity teens have and their lack of life experience, and sometimes it can make for a scary combination. 

I see it often enough in the teens we work with that one day they’re coping well with life and doing great and the next they’re falling apart, and all the adults are taken aback. It’s helpful to remember that these vast fluctuations can be a normal part of being a teen. And, each moment is just as real and valid to your teen as the next. The truth is that they can be doing great, and then something triggers them or their emotions just take a nosedive, and they’re very much not doing well all of the sudden. What we adults sometimes forget is that teens feel so deeply and overwhelmingly that it’s easy for them to believe that whatever is happening RIGHT NOW is all there is. They also don’t have that benefit of lived experience to fully understand how emotions and situations can change over time. 

So, what do you do if you’re worried about your teen harming themselves? 
(If you are ever concerned that your teen is about to take their own life, please call 911 or take them to the nearest emergency room immediately. If you are unsure, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255 to consult with a trained expert.)

1. If your teen has told you they are self-harming (like cutting) or that they have had thoughts about wanting to hurt themselves, I want to take a moment to say kudos to you. (No, I’m not being sarcastic.) This actually means that your teen trusts you enough to share this painful news with you and to seek your support. As hard as it can be to hear this from your kid, it really does mean that you’ve built a strong relationship together, and that’s always a good thing. 

2. Do your best to be calm before you react. Whether your teen has disclosed some difficult feelings to you or whether you’re picking up on behaviors that are worrying you, it’s really helpful for you to try to be calm and grounded when you talk to your kid. It’s okay to show them that you’re sad and worried, but try not to be blaming or make the conversation all about your own reactions. You want your teen to know that you’re there for them, you care, they’re not alone, and you want to help.

3. Listen. Ask your teen how they’re really doing, share if you’re worried about them, and then if they start talking, really listen openly to what they have to say. Even if you instantly see flaws in their logic or have ideas for solutions, listen first. Empathize with what their experience is like. Give them the nods and the “mmm-hmms.” Validate that what they’re feeling is hard or scary or overwhelming. 

4. Lastly, help your teen problem solve. Once your teen feels heard and understood, then they may have the ability to talk with you about their options. Problem-solving might mean discussing healthy coping skills they can use, including who they can talk to, when they feel sad and have negative thoughts, or it might mean talking about going to therapy to get them some additional support to work through these big emotions that are driving their thoughts about harming themselves. You can even sit down together to google therapists and see who your kid is drawn to working with. 

5. If your teen hasn’t wanted to open up or hasn’t shared anything about what’s going on (Remember, this can be 100% normal for teens to not want to talk to their parents and does NOT mean you have a bad relationship.), but you’re worried, it can still be really helpful to talk about having them go to therapy. You can explain why you’re concerned in a sentence or two, and validate how beneficial it can be to have someone who’s trained and objective to talk to (If you’ve done your own therapy and found it helpful, it’s a great time to share that.). If your teen is resistant to the idea, you can frame it as something they can “try and see.” This can give your teen some sense of agency over the situation. You can also offer to pick out a therapist to try together. If your teen still doesn’t want to, you can let them know you can pick for them, but you’d love to have their input.

Of course, no article can cover all the nuances and factors that may be affecting your teen and family. Whether your kid has told you anything about wanting to harm themselves or whether you’ve been noticing changes in their behavior that are concerning you, it’s a great next step to seek professional help. It can be scary and overwhelming for the whole family, and having a professional offer support and guidance can be key. You can start by talking about your concerns with your family doctor, a school counselor, or contacting a therapist. These professionals can get to know your family, assess for what’s needed, and implement plans to help keep everyone safe. Plus, you’ll feel relieved knowing there’s support, and your kid can start learning how to proactively and healthily manage the difficult emotions that are bound to arise in life. 

If you’re not sure where to start, feel to contact us, and we’ll help you get connected with one of our awesome teen therapists or provide referrals to other great therapists in the community who might be a better match for your family. You’re not alone. We’re here for you!

Again, If you are ever concerned that your teen is about to take their own life, please call 911 or take them to the nearest emergency room immediately. If you are unsure, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255 to consult with a trained expert.

Take good care,
Ivy

Ivy Griffin, LMFT # 51714, Director
Thrive Therapy & Counseling
1614 X St., Suite A
Sacramento, CA 95818
916-287-3430
thrivetherapists@gmail.com
thrivetherapyandcounseling.com